Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List

A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'

He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'

While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community

Royal critic commits suicide by shooting himself in back twelve times

It has been reported that Virgil Griffin, a noted critic of the UK monarchy and who was believed to have damaging information on a senior Royal, has suddenly but possibly not unexpectedly committed suicide by shooting himself in the back a dozen times.

Griffin made headlines a few weeks ago when he announced he had information on an unnamed senior member of the Royal family which he claimed would 'shock the foundation of this country to the core'. The Royals denied that Griffin, who they called 'delusional and may likely do harm to himself some day', could possibly have any kind of dirt on them. Even though, they refused to sue him out of principal before offering to give him several million pounds purely as a 'token courtesy gesture'.

A police spokesman has stated that 'following an extensive two-hour investigation we can conclude that Mr Griffin absolutely and definitely killed himself by taking out a handgun and shooting himself in the back twelve times. We did consider the possibility of misadventure as Griffin was extremely accident prone, as just before killing himself Griffin broke his own leg, gave himself two black eyes, knocked out several of his teeth and he'd also somehow stamped on his own fingers. Anyway, this is clearly an open-and-shut case so we need to just move on.'

The police have also urged people to ignore recent social media posts by Mr Griffin in which he claimed:

'They're out to get me!'

'I think I'm being followed'

'If something happens to me, check the hard drive of my computer'

'I have absolutely no intention of committing suicide, that's something I can guarantee'

'Clearly the ramblings of a severely paranoid man, best we brush these aside' claimed the police spokesman when asked about this, before quickly adding that Mr Griffin had also accidentally smashed up and burnt his computer as well.

When contacted a Royal aide said they were extremely sorry to hear about Griffin's suicide, while insisting the sounds of a celebration in the background were from next door, honestly.

Image: Teslariu Mihai (@mihaiteslariu0) | Unsplash Photo Community

AI Briefing – the United Kingdom

The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.

The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.

The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.

The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.

Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.

Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.

Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.

Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.

Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.

Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Image by Elias from Pixabay