Grovelling to Royals to be rationed following recent high demand

The Department for Culture Media and Sport has issued a warning the UK's stocks of obsequious grovelling, sycophancy and metaphorical forelock-tugging are running dangerously low.

Speaking to reporters earlier today a spokesman said: 'Following high demand for royal commentary over the past eighteen months, television correspondents Chris Ship and Nicholas Witchell have been given formal warnings to dial back excessive crawling this side of the King's Christmas address.'

It's understood blowing smoke up regal arses will be reserved for senior family members only, a move said to have angered Prince Edward as well as princesses Beatrice and Eugène.

Meanwhile, in an attempt to restock supplies of embarrassing fawning resources to normal levels the spokesman confirmed Britain has made an urgent request, reaching out to North Korea, widely believed to have huge stockpiles of suitably mindless, but easily adapted servile sycophancy currently earmarked for despotic leader, Kim Jong-un.

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Elderly man arrested for carrying bladed weapon during Coronation

A 74 year old man was arrested and taken into custody after Metropolitan officers spotted him carrying a large bladed weapon while attending King Charles coronation. Video footage of the man showed him in close proximity to Queen Camilla moments before he was whisked behind a screen and strip searched by bishops.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said the force was simply enacting new laws recently passed by Parliament which gives them the power to apprehend and detain potential troublemakers. ‘There were several deaths involving bladed weapons in London over the weekend’. said the Met’s Cheryl Brown ‘and yet this brazen idiot somehow thought it was sensible to be seen live on TV in front of millions of impressionable young children carrying this large lethal weapon.

'Thankfully the bishops stepped in to avert what could have been a serious incident. They disrobed the man….gave him a physical examination using some special anointing lube….although it seems that had been prearranged and had nothing to do with the bladed weapon.

'But it saved us from having to do it'.

The man was last seen being taken away in a large gilded carriage surrounded by security forces and shouted at by people thronging the streets.

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Camilla settles into her new role as Queen