Harry whines about William like anyone cares any more

"William might take away our titles when he's king," Harry grizzled to the media last week.

"I realise that the world is facing an escalating war in the Middle East which could tip it into recession, hitting struggling families in the UK very hard indeed," continued the ex-royal prince - or duke, or whatever he's become - from his mansion in California.

"So I appreciate the personal issues of a self-obsessed aristocrat and his vain actress wife might not matter quite so much to people as they used to.

"But William might take away our meaningless titles!

"Waah!"

image from Grok

Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'

Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project of uncovering the truth behind claims that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is 'rude, arrogant and entitled.'

Professor Ron Jenkins of the University of Clacton explained the problem. 'It's such a difficult thing to clarify assuming, of course, that you ignore everyone who's met him and everything he does. But, with a few years' work, and appropriate funding, I think we'll get there. Then we can finally find out who's been putting all that bear shit in the woods and if the Pope only celebrates Easter because of the chocolate eggs.'

'Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?'

Professor Ron Jenkins was recently found dead in circumstances which are definitely not suspicious.

Go about your business.

Image: WixAI

Government could remove other pantomime characters from line of royal succession

A Government spokesperson has said they are considering introducing legislation to remove other well known pantomime characters - as well as Peter Mandelson - from the line of Royal succession.

The move could see the likes of Widow Twanky, Buttons and the Two Ugly Sisters follow Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor in being stripped of their chance to become King or Queen.

Sources close to Widow Twanky said it was unfair that she and her fellow pantomime dames should be dragged into the furore surrounding Andrew’s fall from grace.

'While it would make sense for villainous characters such as The Big Bad Wolf, Captain Hook and Cruella De Vil to be stripped of the chance to sit on the throne we don't see why Ms Twanky should be denied the opportunity to become Queen. Especially when you bear in mind the one that is actually there right now.

Although no pantomime character has ever been linked to the disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein and have never been accused of misconduct in public office it is thought their closeness to the Royal family has become untenable.

'It could be argued that although Cruella did try to drown 100 Dalmation puppies it is nothing compared to what King Charles gets up to with a shotgun and pack of hounds at Balmoral'

When asked if his chance of becoming King was now behind him Andrew replied 'Oh no it isn't'

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