"Smurks" to be hateful new Christmas craze

'They're like those blue-skinned 1970s characters in Phrygian hats, the Smurfs, but a lot less loveable," said a spokes-trainset for the toy industry.

'The new-look Smurks dress and act like 2020s teenagers, with their trousers hanging below their hips, smiling derisively at everything Father Abraham has to say to them.

'They come with an app which enables them to leave school with zero qualifications and claim Pips and a voice box which allows them to say a limited repertoire of stuff like 'Yeah, right' and 'OK, Boomer' with a trademark Smurk expression on their faces.

'These waste-of-space toys really chime with the zeitgeist of modern Britain,' said the spokes-dolls house, 'and we predict they'll be flying off the shelves this Christmas. Or rather, they'll be saying "Oh, Mum! It's so unfair!" and slouching off the shelves to their bedrooms.'