Buck House admits King uses same accountant as Derek Trotter

A representative of King Charles has admitted the monarch uses the same accountancy firm as Peckham entrepreneur Derek 'Del Boy' Trotter.

Accounts show the monarch paid £12.9m in taxes from income largely generated by strong sales of Trevor Francis track suits and discount carpet tiles.

King Charles is thought to be worth around £1.6bn, but annual royal reports reveal that deductions for overheads and expenses reduce his income tax bill to that of someone on income support.

A spokesperson told us that helicopter trips alone cost the Royal Family £733,063 in 2025, although that was offset against the king’s role as environmental ambassador for the UK

Buck House says supplies from a gentleman in Shepherd’s Bush have helped bolster sales across all Royal outlets with sales of David Bowie LPs proving a particular favourite among millennials and vinyl collectors looking for a bargain.

The king’s range of Hooky Street shops is thought to generate profits of £50m alone.

Royal Trustees say that the £11m tax-free gift earmarked to replace old boilers at Windsor Castle was a necessary expense, but assured royal watchers that this would not impact on Queen Camilla’s role as queen consort.

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Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.

'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.

'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.

'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.

'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.

'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.

'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast

An announcement today from the beleaguered Prince Andrew in that he will host a tell-all podcast called 'Stripped' where he will bear all in regard to his troubled history. He will be referred to in the podcast as Andy Windsor and will adopt a posh, shock-jock style.

'Yah, I'm really going to go there,' he said in a video announcement. 'I'm going to blow the lid of all the scandals that have been falsely pinned on me; we'll discuss all the things that keep us up at night, like the deep state and chem trails, and we'll all have some fun with our guests along the way.'

Initial guests are said to include Sarah Ferguson, Prince Harry, Bill Clinton, David Icke, Lee Anderson, Russell Brand and Joe Rogan. Those who have heard the first excerpts say that it is explosive and could rock the Royal Family forever. Subjects discussed were fork and spoon placement gaffes, sweat, Andy's 'Randy List' of women that interest him, the deep Royal state, and an Andrew versus Charles wrestling simulation (Andrew wins by submission).

The first episode will come out before Christmas, and the series will be sponsored by Pizza Express.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.