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Appointment of independent football regulator referred to VAR



In the midst of wild celebrations by real football fans at finally achieving a long-standing goal of having an independent regulator of the beautiful game, VAR has intervened once more. A slow impatient build-up led to the promise of someone taking hold of the game by the scruff of the neck. The support for that key player then arrived, creating the golden opportunity to make football better for everyone involved. Back of the net, or so everyone thought.


But the Premier League remain unconvinced that the goal should have ever stood in the first place. Determined to suck the hope out of football fans apart from the armchair ones who support the twenty football clubs that the Premier League consider are worth paying television subscriptions for, they are using the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system to conspire with the government to take as long as possible to actually do anything.


‘VAR is there to address clear and obvious errors’ explained a Premier League spokesman. ‘And the appointment of someone to address the dodgy club owners, the all-consuming avarice and the blatant self-interest at the expense of the game would clearly and obviously be an error as far as we are concerned.’


Meanwhile, BT Sport have brought in former referee Peter Walton to comment. ‘What they are looking at is whether I will ever manage to have an opinion before the outcome is decided’ he explained. ‘Or whether I will wait until a decision is made and then agree with that.’


Image from Pixabay by Marco_Pomella


First published 27 April 2022



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Millwall goalie kissed Palace striker without consent



The story of the mid-air clash between Millwall’s Liam Roberts and Crystal Palace’s Jean-Philippe Mateta last week took a darker turn today, when slow motion footage revealed that in addition to sending him straight to hospital with a season-ending injury that could have been much worse, the goalkeeper had also kissed the striker without consent.


“We thought he’d simply flown at Mateta with his boots at head height and studs out,” said an FA official. “Certainly the damage to Mateta’s ear, which required 25 stitches, suggested that’s what happened, though fortunately there was no concussion or damage to the cervical spine which could have resulted in permanent paralysis. 


“However, close examination of the VAR footage revealed that Roberts also took the opportunity to get in a cheeky peck.


“This is clearly a much more serious offence than we realised. Naturally we’d like to retract any statements we may have made suggesting it’s all just part of the rough and tumble of what is, after all, a very physical game, and doesn’t require any action beyond the red card Roberts was given at the time. We now realise this is a matter for criminal prosecution, and quite possibly the reintroduction of the death penalty.”


For his part, Roberts said he was simply trying to repair the reputation of his team for being homophobic, racist thugs with a playing style that owes more to cagefighting than football. And what better way to do that than by kissing a black player on the opposing team? 


“Honestly, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” sighed Roberts, as he relaxed on a daybed with a cup of Earl Grey and a sponge finger. “I just don’t understand this modern world, I don’t really.”


image from pixabay


Footballer with car accident injuries has crash overturned by VAR

A VAR review of a crash involving a Premier League player has decided the player did not in fact crash at all. ‘It was an act of simulation,’ said officials at St George’s Park, who oversee reality and confirm what’s true or isn’t. ‘There will be no police investigation and any treatment the player received in hospital is void.’


The player was found in the crunched-up position in the driver’s seat of his Mercedes-Maybach S 680 4Matic First Class on the B1457 outside Cringley-on-the-willow-on-the-hill groaning like he’d been shot. CCTV footage of the incident was immediately whisked to St George’s, home of the world’s most unforgiving Video Assisted Refereeing technology. True to form, it disagreed with the evidence of the police, ambulance service, and numerous witnesses, and waved traffic on.


Asked to respond to the furore surrounding the controversial decision, officials released audio of the decision being made in real time:


VAR: Possible crash.


Assistant referee 2: Give it.


Assistant referee 1: Coming back for the skid, mate.


VAR: Just checking the crash. Delay, delay.


Referee: Yeah, no worries mate.


Replay operator: So, here we are. Just get a tight angle.


VAR: 2D line on the bumper.


Replay operator: Yeah, OK. So 2D line on the bumper.


VAR: And stop. Check complete, check complete. That’s fine, perfect. No crash.


‘That should clear everything up,’ said the official.




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