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Bloke reckons he’d do OK in England women’s football team in semi final



Dave Bloke, long-standing albeit unofficial football pundit of the Crown and Anchor in Bexleyheath, has announced that he reckons he'd probably do OK in the England women’s football team, 'to help them get through the semis, know what I mean?'.


“Not saying I’d get in the real team,” he added. “Mind you, there was a time I was considered quite a prospect, before I put me back out. Did I ever tell you I ‘ad a trial for Luton Town?


”But the birds’ team? Yeah, I’d do all right there, show ‘em a thing or two. Plus I’d be on hand to explain the offside rule. I’d actually respect ‘em more for asking.”


Asked how he could possibly get into the women’s team, he replied “I’ll just say I’m one o’ them trannies. Self-assessment these days innit, or whatever it’s called.


“Reckon they’d work it out in the showers afterwards though, eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more…”


When she implausibly heard about this conversation, Lionesses’s manager Sarine Wiegman said she’d consider Mr Bloke for the role of team mascot, but only after the current goat dies.



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First published 14 Aug 2023


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FIFA to introduce 256 team World Cup


After the 'overwhelming success of our 48 team World Cup', FIFA have announced that future tournaments will consist of 256 teams.


FIFA Head, Geniuso Infinitissimo, stated he was aware that there were fewer than 256 associations within FIFA but that a bigger tournament would surely 'stimulate more members, even beyond the FIFA boardroom'.


'It would be a huge boon to areas where football is hardly played like Antarctica and Sealand. Wouldn't it be brilliant for all the football players in those territories to play on proper pitches in half-full stadiums? Who wouldn't want to see a Vatican City team, or even the Isle of Wight?


In our discussions over reintroducing Russia to future tournaments, other suggestions such as South Ossetia, Transnistria and Donbas have been put forward and Mr Trump has also said Greenland could have their own team in the tournament if certain conditions are met. So we are confident that the 256 team target will be easily met and FIFA can help football become an even greater force for world peace'.


A FIFA spokesman also 'vehemently denied' that the proposal was being heavily pushed by Italy as a way of ensuring that they would qualify for the next Finals.


Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korea are celebrating tonight after an amazing win in the FIFA World Cup Final. Pyongyang's Rungrado 1st of May Stadium was packed out as the hosts beat an Argentina side, consisting of some very dark Eastern-Asian-looking players, in a 15 goal thriller.


The 15 - 0 score just shows how amazing the North Korean team has become since winning the last one, and their top scorer, Kim Jong Un, came down from the Royal Box to score 9 goals in the last three minutes.


Accepting the trophy from himself, Kim, told the captive spectators that this was a sure sign that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was the greatest country in the world. The crowd celebrated long into the night before they were released to go back to their homes to prepare for an early start.


H/T: dominicmcg

Image: WixAI



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Winner of the World Cup Tie-In Snacks Announced


Watching men in great physical shape run around doing the footballing for five and a half weeks has led to an increase in viewers' snacking across the participating nations. The manufacturing of synchronously packaged foodstuffs to accompany the televisual footy feast has far surpassed that of any previous tournament and experts predict that by 2056 there will be breaks in the sporting action every fifteen minutes to allow the players to eat a little tie-in treat.


In the semi-final of snacks, the net bags of red wax covered mild mini cheeses with flags on (a note for the English, superstitiously eating your home country last has not been enough to occasion a win, a new strategy is needed next time) faced off against the doughnuts with a green icing football pitch on. The sausage and mash flavoured potato crisps met with the sour fizzy jelly football/trophy/glove/ball shaped sweets. Meeting in the final were the doughnuts and the fizzy sweets. In a tense battle of thoughtful mastication, the doughnuts won!


Should anyone feel they haven’t eaten enough of the promotional high fat and high sugar comestibles they will be appearing in your local B&M for the next year. Yum!


Image: WixAI



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