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Trump starts World Cup without notice, and declares US the winner


The United States has claimed a large number of byes in the impending World Cup as a result of the President declaring the competition was open months before the official start date.


'We didn't tell the world we were going into Iran and we haven't told the world we're leaving Iran - yet,' he said today.  'So with all the time in the world  on our hands we decided to start the World Cup early.  We've won all the qualifiers by default and are in the final next weekend with Iran - if they bother to turn up.  If they don't then it will save ICE arresting them and declaring the US as the 2026 World Cup winners.  FIFA will present the World Cup to me personally and it will go into my Presidential Library along with all the Olympic medals we will win next month when the Olympics will start and finish two years early. 




2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format


The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.


Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.


10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.


If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.


Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.


Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.


There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.


Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.


The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!


The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.


President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!


Image: Wix AI

World sees plucky underdogs demolish "unbeatable" opponents



All across the world, fans of Meghan and Harry watched in amazement as the plucky underdogs peppered their all-powerful opponents with shot upon shot, finally putting paid to their hopes of survival.


“They were fouling us from start to finish,” said the Duke of Sussex, brandishing a stream of yellow and red cards at the couple’s bruised opponents as they limped away.


“But we stuck to our truth, put in a lot of damaging shots, and came away with a result.”


“The Royal Family can learn a good lesson from this,” said the Duchess.


“They arrogantly thought they were the Brazil of world monarchies - the crème de la crème, and completely invincible. But now look at them – humiliated by the underdogs and progressing no further.


Harry and Meghan now go on to their next round of documentaries in which they'll be taking on the Pope - a tough opponent who many pundits consider to be infallible.




First published 11 Dec 2022


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