At last, YOU could own a lawnmower that incorporates F1 TECHNOLOGY

Yes!  At last!  A British designed lawnmower that incorporates all the leading edge technology from Formula One!

Amaze your neighbours as you change tyres in 29 seconds and refuel in 7 seconds.  Make a superfast start out of your shed, experience the G force as you corner at high speed. (Warning: novice users should consider using a safety mower to manage speeds in certain conditions.)

The lawnmower has an authentic F1 whine (choose between Lewis Hamilton and James Hunt).  It’s super lightweight. (Warning: do not attempt to mow long grass when wet.)  It’s aerodynamic.   It comes with a choice of tyres, so that you can mow in all conditions.  It's available with advertising stickers from all the major F1 sponsors.

While you mow, you can record your own commentary as you pretend to be Murray Walker and film your Instagram posts on the mowcam.  It really is the best of British engineering, the result of decades of research by underpaid engineering students.  As used by Lando Norris’s gardener!

And there’s more! You can pre-program the Green Bull 5000 to mow your lawn into the shape of the 19 most iconic race tracks in the world.  And we even have a robot model that will cut your lawn on its own, by staying inside a barrier of piled up tyres.  If James Dyson lived in this country, and had a lawn, and wanted to cut it – then this is the lawnmower he’d choose!

Image credit: deep dream generator

Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.

'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'

The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'

Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)

Defence Spending Plan includes improving VAR

The UK will set aside £5bn on drones to determine if a ball has crossed the line, with the precision normally reserved for missile trajectories. Predator drones will hover over the pitch to confirm whether a striker’s toe is existentially offside. And instead of slow-motion replay, you will get a 3D battlefield reconstruction narrated by someone deeply serious, probably Jeremy Bowen.

An MOD spokesman explained, 'It's about priorities and, let's face it, we all prefer football to war.' The nature of warfare and refereeing has changed significantly, so even goal celebrations are paused while drones confirm that the joy is justified. 'From now on, substitutions wo;; require clearance from three aerial units, and every throw-in will be treated like a low-stakes border crossing.'

Military-grade target tracking will finally answer the difficult questions. Was it a handball or weapons of mass destruction? VAR officials will now say 'confirm visual' instead of 'hang on, still checking'. And a disputed penalty will trigger a full intelligence briefing. But ultimately, after spending billions of pounds on the technology, MOD VAR will still take four minutes and will still get it wrong, anyway.

Image credit: ChatGPT