Brilliant England were rubbish all along

TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.

Fans around the country pointed out that if only Cole Palmer or Phil Foden had been there with an English manager (though not Southgate of course) they would never have succumbed to pressure and would be raring to go for Sunday.

Said Dave Potter of Rowley Regis 'I said all along Tuchel would be trying to get England knocked out, and it showed tonight. Taking the lead, and then relying on the same tactics that worked in the previous games, proved my point. Sack Tuchel, appoint a good English manager like, err..... err.... errr..... OK, appoint anything but a German or a woman, and it'll come home at the Euros.'

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Image: ChatGPT

At last, YOU could own a lawnmower that incorporates F1 TECHNOLOGY

Yes!  At last!  A British designed lawnmower that incorporates all the leading edge technology from Formula One!

Amaze your neighbours as you change tyres in 29 seconds and refuel in 7 seconds.  Make a superfast start out of your shed, experience the G force as you corner at high speed. (Warning: novice users should consider using a safety mower to manage speeds in certain conditions.)

The lawnmower has an authentic F1 whine (choose between Lewis Hamilton and James Hunt).  It’s super lightweight. (Warning: do not attempt to mow long grass when wet.)  It’s aerodynamic.   It comes with a choice of tyres, so that you can mow in all conditions.  It's available with advertising stickers from all the major F1 sponsors.

While you mow, you can record your own commentary as you pretend to be Murray Walker and film your Instagram posts on the mowcam.  It really is the best of British engineering, the result of decades of research by underpaid engineering students.  As used by Lando Norris’s gardener!

And there’s more! You can pre-program the Green Bull 5000 to mow your lawn into the shape of the 19 most iconic race tracks in the world.  And we even have a robot model that will cut your lawn on its own, by staying inside a barrier of piled up tyres.  If James Dyson lived in this country, and had a lawn, and wanted to cut it – then this is the lawnmower he’d choose!

Image credit: deep dream generator

Met Office issues bland weather warning

As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.

'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'

The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'

Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)