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January 2025


Yes, that’s right. It was only a year ago that Donald Trump was indicted as US President. Sorry, inducted. I’m getting ahead of myself. One of the new president’s first acts was to rename the Gulf of Mexico. It’s good to be clear about your priorities. And he blamed LA for setting itself on fire. And he was already trying to grab Greenland. Back then, Donald was still friends with billionaire donor Elon Musk. How times have changed. Elon had money to burn, and proved it by blowing up another of his rockets. Is it SpaceX or Ex-Space?


In UK politics, Keir tells Elon Musk that he’s ‘crossed a line’ by spreading lies and misinformation about grooming gangs on X. One year later, and we’re still waiting for Keir to do something about Elon and X. In Scotland, Nicola Sturgeon announced the end of her marriage to police favourite, Peter Murrell.


The state of the economy continued to be an issue in the UK. The PM’s solution was to big up the opportunities presented by AI, which we now know are mainly about making nude pictures of people. In the courts, a woman successfully contested fines of £2,000 for five minutes parking. She had been unable to pay because there was no mobile phone signal. In 2026, you have to pay that sort of money to drop someone off at the airport, and that’s apparently still legal.


In sport, Luke Littler was tilting for his first major title. Too many beers?


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from January 2025. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


USA News


UK news


Social issues


Other news



Headlines


US news

Trump and Musk prove two wrong 'uns do make an extreme right

JFK Assassination files recovered from Trump’s bathroom

Space between Trump’s ears renamed Gulf of America

LA residents regret using Tinder


The world of work

Australian tailor is making great strides

Bogus chiropractor was just pulling my leg

Criminal who represented himself doesn't do himself justice

Gardener put on gardening leave feels a bit hard done by


UK politics

Labour hope Artificial Intelligence can replace Actual Incompetence

Liz Truss adamant that the economy crashed into her

Nicola Sturgeon finally achieves independence


And finally...

Luke Littler - If I win, I’ll stop cutting my own hair

Supermodels call for third runway at London Fashion Week

Greenland offers to sell Denmark

Inventor of ultra-velcro said it was "hard to pull off"

Custard pies - do they strike you as funny?




Image credit: deep dream generator


A significant minority of UK households still have their Christmas decorations up. With the start of Christmas occurring earlier and earlier, many British citizens are arguing that unless the decorations are taken down on Boxing Day at the latest it's hardly worth the effort of stripping them down, removing all the batteries, boxing them up, carrying them up to the attic and putting them in front of the boxes holding the Easter bunnies and the Halloween artifacts. 


'By the time I've taken them up I'll be moving all the boxes to gain access to the Easter tat,' said Bill today. 'Then before you know it the skeletons, plastic pumpkins and the tacky Halloween wreaths will need to be brought out, then - wham! it's August and the Christmas tree needs to be pushed back into use,' Bill added.  'So I leave the tree up all year round.  It frees up a load of space in the attic for other stuff like the sofa, armchairs and plants.  A bit of a win-win, really,' he said.


Christmas is the season of excess, and not knowing where to stop. Which is where we got the idea for another round of Christmas cracker jokes.


Here are the almost-indigestible leftovers that we have re-heated for you...


Q. What is Donald Trump's favourite element?

A. MAGAnesium


Q. What is moles favourite game at primary school?

A. Grounders


Q. Why did the England cricket team send a snowman in to bat against Australia?

A. They thought he'd last longer than one of the regular team


Q. What do you call a crash involving a truck load of terrapins in Northumberland?

A. Turtle distastah (got to do the accent)


Q. Where do you send an addicted lumberjack?

A. Treehab


Q. Which fish knows nothing about transport?

A. The Grayling


Q. What do you call a shy fish?

A. Koi


Q. Which fish had a Christmas number one?

A. Kylie Minnow


Q. What's crisp and sweet and swings through the jungle?

A. A meringue-utan


Q. What's Hugh Jackman's favourite Christmas film?

A. The Greatest Snowman


Q. What's Birmingham's favourite panto?

A. Jack and the binstrike


Q. What paper are dunce's caps made from?

A. Foolscap


Q. Can you name the five Louvre jewel thieves?

A. Rob, Joules, Nick, Jems and Rich.


Q. What is Santa's favourite weather?

A. Rain, dear.


Q. What's Angela Rayner's favourite Christmas film?

A. Home Aloan 2


With contributions from billclay and writinginbsl



Image credit: perchance.org

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