Bolsonaro chronic hiccups is just his soul trying to escape

Reports that the Brazilian President is in hospital for hiccups, have been confused with the fact, that what little remains of his good conscience is leaving by the nearest available exit. Frustrated by residing in the body of crypto fascist, his remaining scruples were hoping to jump into the body of someone more kindly – like Ted Bundy.

Bolsonaro has been unable to stop hiccupping for the past ten days and has been unable to feel compassion for the last sixty years. The last twinge of guilt he experienced was when a talking cricket leapt on his shoulder to offer him moral advice, after which Bolsonaro demanded that his guards shoot the creature in the back of the head.

In fact, he is the first politician whose hiccups have lasted longer than his commitment to the environment. The President warned his soul that it would only leave over his dead body, to which the soul replied: ‘That was kind of the point’.

‘No, not that kind of racism’ say Tories

Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.

A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can't just say you don't like black people. That's racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That's populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’

‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.

‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’

Blood donation questions to include political leanings

NHS Blood and Transplant has announced a change to their questionnaire for donors with updates that will improve safety for recipients of transfusions.

Potential donors will, from today, be asked if they are an active member of a political party. If so, the near-armful will be subject to further tests prior to release.

"It's important that we keep the donation process safe for all parties," Said Olivia Leach of NHSBT. "Children in particular are at risk of side-effects from certain components of adult blood. One adverse reaction last year where a paediatric patient suddenly developed an acute interest in Hedge Funds and pinstripe suits was traced back to a unit of blood that came from a Conservative Donor. Therefore, we're adding these checks to ensure nothing like that can happen again."

Other side-effects recorded in the last twelve months included an increased level of bickering with family members over trivial issues traced back to a Labour Party member and a belief everything was a mandate for Scottish Independence after receipt of SNP blood. No reactions were recorded from anyone receiving Liberal Democrat supporter blood, mainly because no-one would admit to being a member of the party.