Boat Race Betting (and Pooping) Guide

The 2024 Oxford versus Cambridge University Boat Race was predicted to be a sluggish affair. Both crews had prepared well for this year's row, bringing their own nose pegs. Or earplugs, depending on how you just read the word 'row'.

Those watching from bridges over the Thames were distracted by an endless game of pooh-sticks, all of the countless vessels made from real, genuine poo. As expected, Cambridge pushed out hard, but in a considerably more thrilling race than usual, the winner was a turd from Luton College.

Organisers of the race said, 'Yet another great tradition has been ruined by @rseholes from Oxbridge. In future, the event will be renamed the University Floater Race.'

Here is Newsbiscuit's unofficial betting guide to the 2024 Boat Race:

Oxford Win 7-5

Cambridge Win 7-5

Cambridge team turn up late due to Easter Bank Holiday traffic 15-1

Arrival of dolphin pod delays start of race 750-1

Angry swan breaks arm (either) of Cambridge Cockswain 300-1

Rowers (at least three) contract fulminant dose of E. coli 5-1

Rowers (at least one) contract Weil's disease 25-1

Luton College Win 5,000-1

Oxford's Ukrainian Cockswain killed in Russian drone attack 85,000,000-1

Hammersmith Bridge destroyed due to collision 100,500,000-1

Please gamble responsibly with your investors' cryptocurrency.

Authors: SteveB, Ashbery

Image: Nick Fewings (@jannerboy62) | Unsplash Photo Community

Rishi must be heartily sick of cleaning up Big Dog's messes

Great Offices of State downgraded to Shite Offices

By overwhelming popular demand, the original 'Great Offices of State' will now be called Shite Offices of State.

Guarder of Shite (formerly Home Secretary) - Blaming the unemployed, minorities, disabled people and whoever might be likely to beat them in an election, and calling them "Shite".

Thrower of Shite (formerly Foreign Secretary) - Blaming the EU, foreigners, Russia, Rwanda, Greece, Argentina, Germany, France, and probably any nation, foreigner or even people who look or sound a little foreign, including anyone outside of London and the South East, and especially if Scots, Welsh, or Irish, and calling them all "Shite".

Counter of Shite (formerly Chancellor of the Exchequer) - Balancing the debts against the future debts, shite or otherwise, and looking at new and inventive ways of making people believe that shite happens, and they'll have to pay for it, while also telling them that shite can't happen to them, cos they are too rich or posh, and don't shite. Also referring to anyone with less than ten million of assets, as "Shite".

Head Shite Kicker (formerly Prime Minister) - In this role, the shite gets real, and you need your wits about you to avoid shite sticking to you. Of course, you'll have ample opportunity to kick shite into the long grass, and if you try to throw enough shite at the wall, some of it will stick. And of course, calling random people "Shite", cos it's a top job, with no legal penalties. Do what you want. Say what you want.

A former government source gave his take on things, because he wouldn't talk when he was actually in the government. After some gentle persuasion and a few grand, he gave his wisdom:

'I guess the shite has really hit the fan. The government has no fans left and perhaps that's why they have no shites to give.

Image: Alexas_Fotos | Pixabay