The Pope goes badass for Easter Sunday

Pope condemns war and returns all Vatican condom machines to Russia

The world’s top Pope and white frock model, Pope Francis, has said the war in Ukraine is 'well bad' and ‘This Putin melt is bang out of order. Know what I mean, blud?’

In protest at Russia reducing Ukraine to a pile of smoking rubble, Pope Francis has put the ultimate sanction into place.

‘Those Russian MIG condom machines have to go. I’ve ordered them to be stripped out of all the gentleman’s bathroom facilities and put on my private jet back to that smug little prick in Moscow.’

Pope Francis’ dramatic intervention was fully supported by high ranking Bishops. A spokesbishop said, ‘those Soviet-era Johnny machines are proper pony. I used two last week, and both were leaking. I know they’re supposed to be Holy, but Putin is taking the piss.’

Image: Pixabay/jerOme82

Popes agree to appear in 50th Anniversary of Dr Who

Traditionally Popes sign an exclusivity deal when appearing in any syndicated show but the Vatican has made an exception for this landmark event, with not one but two Popes! Pope Benedict’s last appearance had been about an alternate universe where Nazis had taken over the Vatican, but the lure of working again with Billie Piper proved too much of a temptation for the aged pontiff. As usual fans will argue over who is the definitive Pope but all agree that it was not Pope Joan (played by Sylvester McCoy).

The episode, to be screened on 23 November, is titled 'All roads lead to Rome' which fans have interpreted as a veiled reference to NSPCC investigations from earlier seasons. It will feature the return of the Cybermen and the Pope’s arch nemesis the Methodists.