Couples across the globe in uproar as Pope Leo announces his first major proclamation as new pope: Marriage's will no longer be carried out or permitted by the Catholic faith. The shocking news came via a spokesperson for the Pope: "The Bible is pretty clear on this, it's Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Sarah, not Marcus and Eve, not Peter and Pete.."
The spokesperson continued in this manner for several hours before finishing with: "Just Adam and Eve, and they're long dead so no more marriages, even if one of you is pregnant out of wedlock. You'll just have to pretend you don't know and find excuses to drink heavily, like we used to."
Critics of the Pope are divided across the political spectrum, with the Left struggling to find fault given that it technically doesn't discriminate by gender or sexual orientation, and the Right struggling to find reasons to call the policy woke given that it's technically a ban on Gay Marriage.
One young groom to be who wished to stay anonymous had the following to say: "This is ridiculous, my girlfriend and I have been waiting for years for the right moment to get married, and now we'll never have our happy little family. Now I'm stuck with my wife and kids. What is this, China?"
As news of the newly-elected Pope reached The White House, a press-conference was convened so the President could congratulate the new Pope personally, via news media from many many many miles away.
‘Pope Leo – you hear that? Pope Leo they’re calling him. Because he’s a lion - Rawwrrr. An American lion – a beautiful American lion. He roars. Did you know that? Yeah he roars - Rawrrrr. That’s him. That’s how he roars. Pope Leo, the king of the Vatican jungle. Not King of Heaven though – that’s God – that’s the big guy. And not King of the Jews – that’s the other big guy. The not-quite-as-big-as-the-big-guy-but-still-a-big-guy guy.
'Pope Leo’s great. Isn’t Pope Leo great? Pope Leo’s great. He’s got a hot-line to God – you know that? You hear that? A hot-line to God. I’m guessing it’s like the red phone I use to call Batman. You remember that? When Joker was causing trouble? And I called Batman in? Where was I? Where did I go? You’ve never seen me and Batman in the same room together – that’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying anything - That’s all I’m saying.’
After a two-handed sip from a Tommy tippee cup, Trump returned to the matter at hand.
'Finally, God’s justice has been done and the Pope is a citizen of the United States of America. For years we’ve trusted in God – it’s even on our money - and finally. Finally. Our faith has been rewarded. I’ve already sent an e-mail to Pope Leo the lion asking him to ask God to use his magic woo-woo powers to build a great, godly wall on our border with Mexico. And I’m feeling good about it. I’m feeling good. Are you feeling good? You should be feeling good. I’m feeling good.
'So finally, in closing, and to conclude, I’m looking forward to Pope Lionel inviting me to an all expenses paid state visit to the Vatican. I’m looking forward to arranging for him to visit Area 51 in exchange for a tour around the Vatican vaults. We have some awesome alien technology – did you know that? We have some awesome alien technology – it’s alien technology, and it’s awesome. That’s the best kind of awesome alien technology. And we could integrate some of this awesome alien technology that we have, into his little Pope-car. Anti-gravity pads and stun rays. All I ask in return is the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail. That’s all. I promise – I promise. You have my word as someone who may or may not be Batman, that I will not ever, ever use these items for nefarious means. Our current shenanigans with China have no bearing on this negotiation at all.’
At this point a random bolt of lightening appeared within the room and struck the President right in the head. Whitehouse medical staff were on hand immediately, after being briefed that this sort of thing was likely to happen.