Massive potato array to power Norfolk

Boffins at the University of North Norfolk have plans to power Norfolk with a MASH battery, a new technology to rival solar panels and wind power.  The boffins believe that MASH technology could make wind turbines and solar panels redundant.

‘The main barrier to renewables is cost,’ said the white-coated lead boffin. ‘Solar panels are expensive, wave power is expensive, wind turbines are expensive. We wanted a low cost alternative and because this is Norfolk, we lighted on potatoes.

‘The MASH array works just like that experiment that we all did at primary school. The one where you make a battery out of a potato and power a tiny light bulb.  We took that basic science and we scaled it up.

‘MASH stands for Massive Array of Spuds for Heating.  We worked in a local potato field to wire up thousand potatoes, and we achieved a voltage of 700V.  By wiring up more and more potatoes we can create a massive array that can power whole cities.  It’s cheap, it’s green, and there is no toxic waste.  The Green Party are keen, Greenpeace are keen, and potato farmers are keen.  We’re trying to sign up Alan Partridge to help us sell the idea more widely.

The advantage is that potatoes are cheap and widely available, and that the used potatoes can be recycled to provide school dinners for the local kids.  Also, potatoes keep working when it’s windy and during the night when there is no sun, so you get power round the clock.

Our first attempt, using lemons, worked fine, but wasn't economically viable.  Importing lemons was too expensive, and we reckon it’ll be at least ten years before Norfolk could produce lemons in the quantity required.

One possible disadvantage of using potatoes  is that demand for energy put push up the price so much that no-one will be able to eat them any more. Luckily, the University is also working on a replacement for chips, made from recycled newspapers. 

The North Norfolk boffins are looking forward to a potato-powered future in which MASH technology produces enough green electricity to allow the nuclear power station Sizewell B to be turned off.

Image credit: perchance.org

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Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes.

The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis.

M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato...

'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket potatoes is wafer thin. You'd think potatoes were cheap, but our wastage rate is 97% because we will only accept the very best. And each jacket is individually curated in its own protective traylet, and served with precisely 57 baked beans (don't ask) and 24 grammes of artisan cheddar.

'Contrary to the nonsense on TikTok, we do NOT buy our cheese from Lidl.

'We have to pay for wages, packaging, curation, social media, authentic potato smell, wastage, shoplifting, dividends, taxes, political donations, and executive pay. It all adds up.'

A government spokesman said, 'Yeah, right. Spuds are 50p a kilogramme retail, so a jacket potato should only cost 10p max. Twenty pound potatoes are seriously buggering up our inflation figures. If M&S won't play ball and cut their prices, then our only option will be to take the cost of vegetables out of the inflation calculations completely. We'll replace them with own brand instant noodles, as they are really cheap. Then we'll have the cost of living permacrisis properly under control.'

image by Google Gemini