Incompetence to be inducted as fifth horseman of the apocalypse

After a wide ranging review by self-styled, organisational development ‘experts’, a fifth horseman of the apocalypse is to be appointed. This recognises that, in 2022, there is a very significant amount of extra work for the horsemen, and that this cannot be delivered to a high standard by the existing workforce.

A spokesman said that the contributions of war, famine, pestilence and death remains as valuable as ever and continues to be visible across the globe – in Syria, Lebanon, Ukraine and elsewhere. However, recent events in the political sphere have made it clear that incompetence has a valuable role in delivering the coming apocalypse. Pestilence has accepted that failing to deal with hospital waiting lists, for example, doesn’t fairly fall under his remit. The four existing horsemen are united in welcoming Incompetence to the team, and are looking forward to accelerating delivery of the coming apocalypse, in line with their five year strategy.

The spokesman said that events in the UK over the last five years had demonstrated the contribution of incompetence, citing Brexit, Covid (including failure to lockdown, PPE contracts and discharging infected patients to care homes) and the recently withdrawn UK-Ireland World Cup bid as particularly strong examples.

Headhunters are now working to recruit the new horseman and are pursuing a number of strong candidates currently working in the field of politics, but who are expected to become available very soon.

Four Horsemen Apocalypse Line Art - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

‘Let’s get back to headlines about dead people and fraud’ Johnson urges Cabinet

Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwindling support within the Tory party.

Sources close to government say Mr Johnson has become increasingly concerned about his plummeting popularity in recent weeks and is seeking ways to change the negative narrative surrounding his failure to obey his own lockdown rules. ‘The PM would like to see a return to those heady days when all the small talk was about spiralling death rates across the UK, fraudulent PPE claims and a crippled NHS facing collapse…..he would die for upbeat headlines like that right now rather than these constant personal attacks about his behaviour during lockdown and his suitability for high office.

The headlines about people dying of Covid related illness were everywhere at one time and did take up a bit of his time….but he actually takes these headlines about his popularity seriously and wants them sorted. We think ending Covid restrictions earlier than expected will have the desired effect. It stands to reason that if your nan is fighting for her life after being admitted to hospital following a new wave of Covid you are more likely to be concerned about that than how much wine Boris chugged at on of his work events or whether he and Carrie prefer dancing to Abba or the Bee Gees.

'Ending restrictions early and seeing news footage of people on respirators dying in hospitals will help Boris bury those negative headlines once and for all’.

Businessman Newspaper Read - Free image on Pixabay

Westminster man denies being Boris Johnson

A somewhat portly Westminster resident with a shock of unkempt blond hair has strongly denied being Boris Johnson today.

Speaking to reporters at the gates of Downing Street the man said: 'I am not Boris Johnson. No, no, no. Not a bit of it. Boris Johnson, moi? Erm... wait a minute, yes, that's it, Ha ha. Brilliant. I am in fact PPE salesman, Wayne Potter. I always have been and I am glad of this opportunity to clear the air at long last.

'Gosh, it feels good to get that out there. I think this Johnson fella is toxic. His behaviour is appalling. He lies at the drop of a hat, has no honour whatsoever, and as for his integrity? It's non-existent. He's an absolute chancer.

'I'm only sorry that I seem to be a bit of a doppelganger. The dead spit, if you will. Well, I am not he. Honestly, you'd scarcely believe the grief this mix-up has cost me in recent months. It's has been harrowing. "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others," as my Ancient Greek tutor might have put it. Eh, what?

'Right then, OK, so got that everyone? I'm not Boris Johnson. Definitely not. I must dash now as I have to speak to some old doddery chap who lives in a big house in Washington about the impending war... I mean a PPE deal. Toodle-ooh.'

Boris Johnson Politician Prime - Free image on Pixabay