David Icke has better judgement than Starmer

Despite being mocked in the main stream press about his paranoid fantasies, Mr. Icke now has now an impressive success record in identifying wrong ‘uns, while Mr. Starmer has a 100% success rate of appointing them to his Cabinet. One man has spent the last decade indulging in a conspiracy theory about global elite sex-cannibals, the other has spent the last decade covering it up for them.

Sir Keir has repeatedly refused to prosecute traffickers and murderers, whereas the only thing Mr. Icke did wrong was playing goal keeper for Coventry. Admittedly Mr. Icke has been accused of genocide denial, while Sir Keir just helped do one.

When every senior colleague of Sir Keir appears in the Epstein files, you have to wonder is he just kinky for money-laundering psychopaths - although - who isn’t? Said a No.10 spokeswoman: “You might know him as a baby eating lizard, but we just know him as Peter.”

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Trumphog Day

Today is the day when an annoying little orange animal with wispy hair decides the future of the nation

Punxsutawney Don emerges to pronounce on the state of, well, anything he fancies, really - despite being secluded for months in his gold-plated den with only his computer for company. His decisions are random, but somehow accepted by his “phaithphil phollowers” as prophetic. But, in fact, his declarations have been analysed, and found to have zero similarity to what actually happens

These proclamations are traditionally made every year, but recently are far more frequent - usually preceded by public interest elsewhere, such as Epstein Island.

This unique creature is not known for its intelligence, and is happy to trespass well beyond its territory, trying to pick fights with its friends and neighbours. It has a diet consisting mostly of circular lumps of meat, and drinks only a dark-coloured concoction of chemicals. This particular individual is physically unusual, and despite his size, Don has unusually small hands and genitals.

In the next few days, Don will be returned to his natural environment, at a place called, appropriately, Gobbler’s Knob.

Editor's note: Trumphog Day traditionally falls on February 3rd each year, the day after Groundhog Day.

Image credit: perchance.org

AI analysis of groundhog squeal reveals that Punxsutawney Phil reads more than the weather forecast