Government freebie scandal continues, as donations to Larry the cat are revealed

Following on from recent news stories regarding freebies received by the PM and other government officials, insiders at no. 10 have leaked information about gifts donated to Larry the Downing Street cat - by none other than the American singer-songwriter, Taylor Swift.

We managed to speak to Larry during a break in his busy schedule of sleeping and eating, and he told us, “When Ms Swift heard the news about the PM receiving free tickets to one of her concerts, she was quite chuffed to know she had fans in the Prime Minister’s household. As she’s a self-confessed ‘cat lady’, she decided to send me a few gifts, including a new collar, a bed and a scratching post. I don’t know why anyone would be upset by that. I needed some new gear, and if Taylor hadn’t provided them they would have had to be paid for out of government coffers, so me accepting those freebies is really saving the tax payers money.

Although I must admit, I didn’t really need the scratching post. I recently came across a portrait of Margaret Thatcher which had been taken down and left leaning up a wall in a spare room, so I’ve been keeping my claws nice and sharp on that.

“As for the PM’s freebies, I don’t think you’ll be seeing those again. I’ve already covered the trousers in cat hair, and I’ve left a small donation of my own in each of his shoes.”

image from pixabay

Laura Kuenssberg accused of being too lenient on Labour

Conservative MPs past and present have rounded on the BBCs political correspondent who they believe has been treating Labour too lightly lately.

'She didn't press the Prime Minister on how many after dinner mints he was given at the last meal he had,' said one Tory MP.  'Sure, she mentioned he'd had some football tickets to matches he'd already paid to see, but she didn't ask if he paid for the programme,' he thundered while denying his own paid-for attendance at a Premier League team for the last four seasons was grift but instead was 'research into the sporting opportunities for constituents' admitting that the team in question was one hundred miles from his constituency.

'She didn't go in hard enough over that caravan holiday in West Wales,' shouted another MP, who denied his fully paid-for holidays in Mustique with all food and drink thrown in was comparable.  'I was effectively trapped on the island every bloody time they sent me there - Starmer could have just hitched the caravan up and gone to a different location any time he wanted,' he alleged.  'And did he pay for the towing bracket?  She didn't ask that either,' he said.

A BBC spokesman denied Ms Kuenssberg was going soft on Labour after fourteen years of slapping Conservative MPs on the back and publicly bigging them up.  'Someone had to boost their ego, otherwise they would have been left with only the Daily Mail, The Sun, GB News and Talk TV,' he said.

image from pixabay

Starmer accepts magic ring from Sauron

The PM's office explained: 'It's a gift. At no point did the Dark Lord say he expected anything in exchange, other than Keir's eternal soul. The Prime Minister is under no obligation, other than to chase hobbits all over Middle Earth.

'Everything was declared in the appendices to The Silmarillion. Being a Ring Wraith will not prevent his work as PM, if anything it makes him more likeable.' Sadly this is true, as Starmer's popularity is lower than Rings of Power Season 2. He insisted it was not a bribe, but was not helped by referring to the ring as 'my precious'. Friends have said he should avoid the appearance of sleaze by casting the Ring into the Cracks of Doom, or as Tolkien called it, 'Boris Johnson's arse'.

image from pixabay