Cake to become next PM

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.

Image: Pixabay/ulleo

Gloria Gaynor dance floor classic 'purely motivational’ says Johnson source

A source close to Boris Johnson has defended the playing of Gloria Gaynor’s dance floor classic ‘I Will Survive’ during a Covid ‘works event’ saying it was played as a motivational set piece and was in no way intended for staff to get up and dance to.

After videos emerged of Johnson sporting a white disco suit and silver platform shoes dancing to the 70’s disco anthem on a make-shift dance floor next to a child’s swing in the Downing Street rose garden, the beleaguered PM said it was all an attempt to boost moral amongst hard working staff.

A statement said: 'It was the PMs birthday and Carrie had invited some work colleagues over....they brought a work related cake and some work related bottles of wine and everyone listened to some work related music'

The video also showed Johnson dancing under a large glitter-ball, cigarette dangling from his lips and sniffing poppers from a bottle as he once again motivated his work force to even greater heights of work related work.

The Gaynor classic was quickly followed by other motivational tracks from the Bee Gees, Barry White and Black Lace.

‘Agadoo….er…..we play that to remind us what exciting new trade deals can be done with other nations now that we are no longer bound by EU regulations…..what other reason could there be’?

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Exhausted Boris Johnson plans short holiday in his office

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years.

Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette.

A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling schedule of food-fights, arse-photocopying and emergency danceathons that he has been subjected too as part of his Covid response work over the last two years.

"A few days relaxing and reading the papers in his private Downing Street office will help the Prime Minister recharge his batteries so that he can get back to the important job of putting on a pair of fake plastic tits and squirting cream all over them while shouting, "look at me boys, I'm Doris Johnson".

The source indicated that Mr. Johnson will also be taking up swimming, but what in, they didn't want to say.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures