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Covid brought the perfect cover for hiding bad news - at least until the cabinet office forgot to invite prominent journalists to BYOB parties during lockdown - or actually did invite them but forgot to add that the invitation to bring your own booze was an in-joke - of course the taxpayer would provide. Now, when partygate, Brexit screw ups and downright corruption were starting to touch the public consciousness the government has had the cover provided by Putin's invasion of Ukraine. at least one person of Prime Minister status will have mouthed, if not emailed, Vladimire Putin a big thank-you for that, it has been suggested.


However, when surveying the bunched up carpets with the bodies piled under and the crisis that seemed to pop up daily now well and truly obscured by the fog of war the Cabinet office is struggling to find new bodies to sweep under and almost certainly illegal events to be lied about. Unless you include a visit to kneel in front of a despot who relishes hanging and beheading dozens of people a day on charges that may or may not stand up to scrutiny in a real court to cover for not doing more to avoid having to pay Putin to fund his adventures in Ukraine while paying Ukrainians in weapons to stop the man you're paying for oil. By not doing more, read anything, actually.



Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'





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Please answer the following questions accurately. By accurately, we mean as we expect them to be answered.


Did you attend any parties/work gatherings in breach of covid regulations? (Y/N)


Did the Prime Minister attend any of the parties/work gatherings you did or did not attend? (Y/N)


Is your Civil Service/Cabinet potential/tenure as head of Metropolitan Police dependant on the Prime Minister? (Y/N/depends on the conversation next time I meet the lying bastard)


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Signed C Dick (ex Desk Sergeant)




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