99% of Jubilee will be speculation about the Queen's health

While Elizabeth II thinks her loyal subjects are celebrating her reign, the majority will be turning her impending death into an office sweepstake. With households replacing bunting with copies of a DNR order.

One Royal watcher confirmed: 'All conversations may start differently but they all end with 'she doesn't have long left'.' Bookies have ceased taking bets on when she will die, only how she will die - with Charles, in the ballroom with the candlestick 2/1.

Instead of the Red Arrows, vultures will fly overheard. The only pyrotechnics will be from the crematorium. And the trooping of the guard will feature a hearse, a floral tribute to 'Maj' and the biggest hole since Andrew's pizza alibi.

Britain British Elizabeth - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Revealed: role for Andrew in Jubilee celebrations

Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein

Dignitas are offering a special discount to any member of the Illuminati who would like to avoid questioning by Interpol. Said a spokeswoman: ‘Normally we would only assist the terminally ill, but we are broadening our offer to include anyone who has met Peter Mandelson’.

Assisted Suicide covers a range of services; including a soundproof police cell, no CCTV and a surprisingly large number of nooses left lying around. Said one Assassin: ‘Basically its seven degrees of Jeffrey Epstein. If we think you might spill the beans, we’ll be visiting you with a nice cup of Horlicks and a spoonful of Ricin’.

Dignitas confirmed: ‘The great thing about the scheme, is you don’t have to volunteer for it, Bill Clinton will do that for you. Some kindly benefactor has already paid for Giselle Maxwell and Prince Andrew’s butler’

Image: Pixabay/Ichigo121212