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"I was groomed by Prince Charles", claims Yucca plant



The plant ,which requested it be referred to as Y, made this statement in a darkened room.


"The Prince started talking to me from when I was a sapling. He keep saying things like 'you're going to grow up big and strong for me'. Then he started putting stuff in my drinking water; I think it was Baby Bio. I think it made me bloom too quickly. Then he kept complimenting me on my foliage. Then he started running his hands through me leaves and 'cleaning' them.


"A fly that has been buzzing round the house tells me other plants have been getting the same treatment. It's time people stopped 'cultivating' plants in their homes for their own gratification".

No-one from Clarence House has issued a statement because we didn't contact them.



Prince Charles slays Parliament with “Zhuzhed-up” edit of Queen’s speech


In an effort to connect with younger generations, but not in a ‘Prince Andrewy-way’, Prince Charles has delivered a ‘Xennials style’ version of the speech originally penned by The Queen in his opening of parliament today.


The Queen pulled out of the State Opening for the first time in 60 years due to mobility problems, the fact that she can’t be arsed, and because she’d rather drink a gallon of corgi piss than spend another minute in the vicinity of Boris Johnson.


'Everyone knows that kids these days are obsessed by the goings on in parliament,' said Palace aide, Graeme Stool. 'They’re constantly Instatwatting what goes down ‘in-da-House of Commons’, so The Prince of Wales saw this as a gilt-edged opportunity to show the masses that he’s ‘down wiv da kids'.'


'Having read The Queen’s speech this morning, Charles, or Ché as he wants to be known, says the intended message was ‘a bit square’, and he wanted to ‘zhuzh it up a bit’ by adding ‘a few woke zingers’ and some ‘lit takes’.'


The Speech, which focused on growth of the economy was re-titled, 'Shook: The Struggle is Real', and made some acerbic jibes at the government with lines such as, 'This government is so sus, I can’t even. They should be cancelled!', and a vociferous chant of, 'Who’s the boomer with the wig', aimed at the Prime Minister.


The Prince of Wales appeared to be enjoying himself as he entered Parliament via the red carpet but had dispensed with his traditional dress uniform and instead displayed his ‘bling’ (medals) on a Superdry hoodie.


To finish, the heir to the throne winked at the Speaker of the House and told him, 'Yo, I gotta bounce, my palace is a pigsty, hashtag humblebrag’, before addressing the floor, dropping a microphone he had brought himself, and stating, 'Ché out!'



Image from Pixabay by PixelAnarchy


Off with his head - Queen to go medieval on PM



A corgi, barking on condition of anonymity, has claimed that a 'gin soaked' Queen is planning to 'go medieval' and publicly execute Boris Johnson, whilst pretending to give him a knighthood.


'Her Maj must have attended a lot of work events recently because there are suitcases everywhere and she was stumbling around, slurring the words to "Danny Boy". But I also heard her cackling that 'swoosh and it's done' and how she'd be the most popular monarch in history. Boris wouldn't see it coming because he never brushes his hair and he's usually wasted. The knighthood/execution was to be the platinum jubilee celebration highlight, but now she just wants to get head-exit done. Charles will compost his body, while Liz gets yet another teardrop tattoo. Then I overheard her saying she was going to chop off a different part of Andrew to feed to us, the corgis. Chipolata?'


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