99% of Jubilee will be speculation about the Queen's health

While Elizabeth II thinks her loyal subjects are celebrating her reign, the majority will be turning her impending death into an office sweepstake. With households replacing bunting with copies of a DNR order.

One Royal watcher confirmed: 'All conversations may start differently but they all end with 'she doesn't have long left'.' Bookies have ceased taking bets on when she will die, only how she will die - with Charles, in the ballroom with the candlestick 2/1.

Instead of the Red Arrows, vultures will fly overheard. The only pyrotechnics will be from the crematorium. And the trooping of the guard will feature a hearse, a floral tribute to 'Maj' and the biggest hole since Andrew's pizza alibi.

Britain British Elizabeth - Free vector graphic on Pixabay

Charles prepares for part in Eastenders jubilee street party

"I was groomed by Prince Charles", claims Yucca plant

The plant ,which requested it be referred to as Y, made this statement in a darkened room.

"The Prince started talking to me from when I was a sapling. He keep saying things like 'you're going to grow up big and strong for me'. Then he started putting stuff in my drinking water; I think it was Baby Bio. I think it made me bloom too quickly. Then he kept complimenting me on my foliage. Then he started running his hands through me leaves and 'cleaning' them.

"A fly that has been buzzing round the house tells me other plants have been getting the same treatment. It's time people stopped 'cultivating' plants in their homes for their own gratification".

No-one from Clarence House has issued a statement because we didn't contact them.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/hmdg-8676495/