King aghast at Harry’s charity problems

King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity.

Sources report him as saying, ‘This is pretty basic stuff.   Charity work is the third most important thing about being royal.  And he’s making a pig’s ear of it.

‘The first and second most important things about being royal are, number one, smiling.   Closely followed by number two, waving.  Mind you, that lad was only ever adequate at smiling and only satisfactory at waving.

‘He has probably exhausted himself with that smiling and waving, and that’s probably why he’s made such a mess of the charity work.  And it’s with a charity that is closely associated with his mother, for goodness’ sake. That boy is such an idiot.  And I don’t suppose that She Who Must Not Be Named has done anything to help Harry either.  Heavens above.  What a shit show.  Is that the expression?  Not something Mummy ever used to say.

‘And don’t tell anyone I said that.’

Image credit: Wix AI

King for sale, hardly used

UK selling King to raise emergency cash for much needed night out, and also with view to saving money by dropping Kingdom part of name.

High mileage. Non-runner. Needs work. Battery not included.

Full service history. See complete, multiple-duplicated Daily Express records. Some photos may have been augmented.

Comes with second-hand Queen for free. Ideal for anyone looking to complete part of broken up set. Those seeking 1980s-style Princess will be disappointed.

No obligation to take on costly responsibilities of piss-artist formerly known as Prince.

Will consider trade-in for Canadian Prime Minister.

No time wasters.

Image: WixAI

Prince Harry emphasizes importance of vagus nerve therapy to NATO

The Duke of Sussex has spoken of the need for the world’s foremost military alliance to look toward alternative healing therapies as it confronts revisionist states around the world. ‘As a former member of the armed forces, I know it is all too easy for senior officers to focus on weapons training and small arms drills,’ the duke intoned. ‘Tragically, vagus nerve exercises get little attention.’

The prince, unable to attend in person because wife Meghan Markle’s schedule always takes precedence, talked movingly of how he looked up diagonally as far possible to the left, held the fixed stare for 30 seconds, then did the same looking to the right.

‘We should make it the scope of our mission at the forefront of global aggression-deterrence to understand that the vagus is actually a cranial nerve that goes all the way down into your viscera. Movement in the ribcage can break up tension there and, I believe, in parts of the world where bad actors are meddling to promote discord.’

The prince’s admonitions, however, have not been met with universal accord. One attaché, speaking on condition of anonymity, questioned whether it was a good idea to ‘discourage hypervigilance in frontline troops.’ The 40-year-old quasi-royal, whose social rank seems increasingly shady, spoke on a giant screen to leaders seated around a Kubrickesque horse shoe, well-meaningly superimposing his face into relevance.

Prince Harry addresses the NATO bigwigs at a time of increasing global tension. ‘Holding the human spine in a gentle C-shape while exerting slight downward pressure on the head with either hand reduces thoughts of impending doom,’ he declared. Although Harry has stepped back from public life in recent years, this bold advancement into geopolitics is expected to further diminish his viability as anything worth keeping.

Picture credit: Wix AI