Old King Cole makes it clear all The King's Men should not put Humpty together again

Humpty Dumpty is not a working royal and will not be allowed to carry out official engagements such as 'sitting on walls', a letter sent on behalf of the King spells out. He will remain 'a free range egg', says the Lord Chamberlain, a top Palace official.

The King's letter has been sent to Mr Dumpty's team, government departments, military officials and all the King's Horses, according to Palace sources. It makes clear that any engagements carried out Humpty will be in a private capacity and he will not be representing the 'jolly old soul' in any capacity.

It seems to be something of a shot across the bows, making clear that any visits by the egg should not be treated as royal engagements. This comes ahead of what are likely to be public appearances by Humpty Dumpty this autumn. He has kept a very low profile since falling off the wall.

The message from the King emphasises that the position agreed when he was 'put back together again' - the so-called Scrambling Agreement - is still in place. This ruled out any 'half-in and half-out' status, as he is most definitely not 'a curate's egg'.

Image: Jimbo457 - Pixabay

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Harry and Meghan returning to the UK for lucrative Sky deal

To the dismay of the real Royal Family, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are moving back to the UK later this month, leaving them desperately searching for excuses to avoid having to invite them for Christmas.

It is rumoured that the Sussexes are returning to the UK because they have secured a new TV deal with Sky. Their new TV series, ‘The Spare Returns to Blighty’ is expected to feature Harry complaining about the working Royals, Meghan making jam, and both of them talking about how difficult it is being rich and famous.

Although the King is looking forward to seeing more of his grandchildren, other members of the Royal Family are understood to be less enthusiastic.

The Prince of Wales is believed to have reacted to the news by saying: ‘Ginger and the Whinger coming back here? F*ck, no!’

It is also rumoured that Prince William is now considering joining Reform, having suddenly become very interested in their policies on immigration.

The reaction of Catherine, Princess of Wales, was, reportedly, ‘Oh, that’s such a shame. It’s been nice not having to worry about every family gathering becoming a six-part Netflix series.’

Meanwhile, Princess Anne is rumoured to have asked, ‘Why are they coming back? Did America run out of money? Did Donald kick Harry out?’

Neither Harry nor Meghan will resume their roles as working royals. This means that the Duke will remain a private individual while regularly appearing in documentaries explaining why he is no longer a working royal.

It is potentially awkward,’ said one royal correspondent. ‘Royal fans could soon be faced with a choice between the King’s organic biscuits and Meghan's raspberry jam, and wondering whether buying one of them constitutes taking sides.’

Filming for the couple’s new TV series is expected to begin soon. One Sky executive told us, ‘We’re only interested in getting an argument between Harry and William on camera. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll drop it after one series.’

Image credit: perchance.org

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Pearl clutchers 'secretly relieved' by the return of Meghan Markle

The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. 

Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration.

'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, based purely on the colour of her skin. What fun! I'm not a racist – well, not a common racist, like that ghastly Nigel Farage. The newspapers are on my side.'

'I did buy some Harry and Meghan crockery, but only so I could smash it like a Greek wedding. Hooray! I mean... Booo!'

Image credit: deep dream generator. Two for one offer on Meghan Markle, apparently.

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