Deadpool over Ghislaine Maxwell’s suicide

It was revealed today that members of the American government have been running a deadpool about when Ghislaine Maxwell will commit suicide.

“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” said Tommy Douche of the State Department. ”Someone used to such a luxurious, glamorous lifestyle facing decades on Riker’s Island, and being a total pariah if she ever gets out? It’s a no-brainer.”

“My money was on the first three weeks,” said Dave Grunt of Homeland Security. “I don’t know why they… I mean, she’s taking so long.”

Asked what he meant by that slip, Grunt paused before eventually saying “Well, you know how with a black hole there’s a line called the event horizon, and if you go beyond that you don’t have a chance? That’s basically where she is now.”

It’s thought the pool is open to all branches of the government, except of course the FBI since they’ll be the ones arranging the suicide.

“God knows why, though,” complained Grunt, “after the mess they made of Epstein. Ligature marks at the wrong angle? Three minutes missing from the security camera footage? It’s amateur hour. You’d think they’ve never done this before.”

image from pixabay

Sycamore Gap pair will be welcome addition to the woodwork shop says prison governor

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Man who looks older than his age did have tough paper round

A criminal whose unflattering photo appeared on Facebook alongside a news story about his latest drug-dealing offence has confirmed that yes, he did actually have a really tough paper round when he was a teenager.

Michael Doyle, 40 was given a 3 year jail term for supplying class A drugs, according to the local news story, with the general consensus in the Facebook comments being that he should do the time for his crime, but also that he had clearly been prematurely aged by the severity of a casual job he must have had delivering newspapers as a child.

‘Listen, yes, it’s true, I did have a particularly brutal paper round in 1998-1999 in the Squires Gate area of Blackpool when I was about 13 - thanks to all those who have commented and recognised this and who obviously empathise with my plight’.

‘I only delivered papers at the weekend - those broadsheet papers had about 10 different sections. Remember the Culture section in the Sunday Times in the 1990s? It weighed about a kilo on its own. Imagine lugging 20 of those around the Squires Gate area up past the pleasure beach - it was a a bloody backbreaker.’

‘Even just lifting a copy of the News of the World was a feat of strength. Those were the phone tapping and Fake Sheikh days and they took up about 30 pages every Sunday along with the usual mildly xenophobic stories’.

‘I was diagnosed with rheumatism at 30 and have had carpal tunnel problems and posture problems since my 20s. I must look about 65 in that police mug shot where I’m staring vacantly into the distance, as hundreds of people have kindly pointed out. Certainly wouldn’t use that one on my Insta profile. lol’

image from pixabay