UK Government: 'Stupid motorways for stupid people'

Stupid people should drive on stupid motorways. That's the view of Rishi Sunak who adds motorways to the list of things he prefers stupid, like the electorate.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst elaborated, 'We believe the UK population is fundamentally stupid. They ought to be - we've been slashing education funding for long enough. Anyway, those mindless drones, those worthless maggots, or as we used to call them, people, deserve dumb roads and moronic railways and boy oh boy have we delivered. Of course Audi drivers have been getting ahead of the game by using the roads stupidly for years.'

'Rishi's not a road or rail guy. He brings his own helicopter from home, because he's just like you and me.'

'As for the Tory Party, stupid is as stupid does. And where we're going, we don't need roads.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Rees-Mogg assures the British public that earthquakes are perfectly safe

Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.

After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:

‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’

To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.

www.newsbiscuit.com

UK’s best public toilets announced

The Public Institute for Sanitary Services (PISS) has published a list of the best public toilets in the UK. We asked them what a public convenience needs to do to make it on to this highly prestigious list:

'Well, for a start, the toilet has to exist. There are hardly any public loos around these days, as most of them have been demolished or converted into a Timpsons. And Timpsons get annoyed if you go in there and start having a crap, apparently. So just by existing, a public toilet makes it on to our list.

'Then we look at what amenities are available, such as baby changing facilities, decent hand dryers, working taps, flushing toilets, and the availability of soap and toilet paper. A public bog that can boast even one of those gets a thumbs up.

'Next, we assess the smell - can you go in there without needing to wear breathing apparatus? If you can walk in without your eyes burning or wanting to vomit, then that’s a winner.

'Then we look at cleanliness. Is there human excreta on the floor and walls? If the urine level on the floor is no more than an inch deep, and the walls are no more than 50% covered in caca, that gets a tick from us.

'Another thing we look for is whether the place being used as a drug dealer’s headquarters? If it is, then it’s probably best not to hang around. You don’t want to get caught up in a police raid right in the middle of a tricky shit.'

When asked what advice they would give to anyone who is looking for a public toilet to use, the PISS spokesperson said, 'You’ve got more chance of bumping into Shergar being ridden by Lord Lucan with next week’s lottery numbers tattooed across his arse than you have of finding a public dumphouse when you need one. So we advise anyone planning to leave the house to avoid food and drink for at least 48 hours beforehand, just to be on the safe side.'