Wicked Tories have stolen the economic growth lever, claim Labour

"We always said the Tories were vile and callous," said the Labour Party's chief economic strategist, "but we never thought they would stoop this low.

"When Rachel Reeves and I were together at the London Playschool of Economics, the classroom assistants would tell us tales of an economic growth lever which stood in the enchanted garden behind Number 11, Downing Street.

"They said that anyone who pulled it during a recession, and tapped their heels together thrice, could start a boom which would make every business in the UK a world-beater, and every citizen as rich a wealthy and contented homeowner.

"Imagine our horror! Once we'd freed the land of 14 years of Tory rule and entered the chancellor's residence, we poked around in the shrubbery but could find no trace of it.

"We can only imagine that the evil Conservatives have squirrelled away the growth lever in their lair in Matthew Parker Street. Even worse, they never pulled the growth lever themselves - undoubtedly because they've always wanted the UK to be poor and bankrupt.

"Rachel told her fellow elves in cabinet that she would be confronting the Tories with their rotten deeds in the Commons. However, Prime Goblin Starmer told her she needed to keep really quiet about magic levers and enchanted gardens in public, for fear it would make Labour look even dafter than it did already."

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UK economy now 90% AI, scented candles and OnlyFans

The stagnant growth in the UK is being attributed to the fact that the last time we made something, it was on a Spinning Jenny. GDP is currently based on YouTube likes and fidget spinners. Manufacturing has ground to a halt and the only successful industries are personalized calendars of Kate Middleton and reasons to hate Keir Starmer.

A spokeswoman for the Chancellor countered: 'I do not accept your characterization, we have enabled a 175% growth in molesters and embezzlers. We have seen a twofold increase in flooding. And we are doing a booming trade in international war crimes and exporting forever chemicals. The UK is a world leader - just not in anything you would be proud of'.

The Chancellor is struggling to boost growth - unless by growth you mean NHS waiting lists. The only positive is that bioengineers have managed to turn Fatbergs into perfume. Provided the UK has an unlimited supply of unwanted fat lumps, this industry will continue to grow. So there is a use for James Corden after all.

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UK economy distances itself from Rachel Reeves

The UK economy has reacted angrily to claims that it needs to ‘step up’ and ‘get its act together’.

The economy said that it was doing its best in difficult circumstances and that it was unrealistic for the chancellor to expect it to grow, when her actions were making that very hard.

‘I would like to grow,’ said a red-eyed economy, ‘I really would. A growing economy makes everyone happy – more money to spend, higher wages and rising living standards. Who wouldn’t want that?’

The economy sniffed, and blew its nose loudly on a sodden tissue. ‘And now the Chancellor’s gone to China, to woo a different economy. I hate her.  Even more than I hated Jeremy Hunt and Kwasi Kwarteng.

‘Rachel has made things very difficult for me.  She has dumped a big tax hit on businesses, and that will filter through to consumers through higher prices. There’s no plan for growth. Inflation is going back up, and recession and stagflation loom.  Interest rates are up.  Real wages are falling.  Benefits are falling.   It isn’t my fault,’ wailed the economy.

Economists agree that the economy is in a fragile state. They have recommended that the Chancellor and the economy should ‘consciously un-couple’ and spend some time apart.

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