Trump: 'When can I start throwing black guys in jail? Soon, right?'

Racist-in-chief Donald Trump has reportedly complained to aides that he hasn't yet got to one of the bits of his Presidency he was most looking forward to – incarcerating black people without trial – or without a crime.

In a late night social media post, Trump began frothing at the mouth 'It's called the WHITE House for a reason. It's about time that American police forces got tougher on black people – a few more mysterious deaths whilst in custody. No more George Floyds though – evidence is bad!'

'I have removed of the Black Lives Matter Plaza mural in Washington, because black guys love fried chicken, so there aren't enough chickens, so there aren't enough eggs, so egg prices are going up. I am the egg man. Goo-goo g'joob.'

The Elon-bot bleeped in support 'I am African, so it's not racist. Unless Immigration are asking, in which case, I'm definitely American. African Americans are simply too lazy to inherit an emerald mine in an apartheid controlled regime, like me. So they should be in jail. Or working in the mine. As long as they are forced to work and they're not paid. And maybe there's a overseer. I'm just asking questions.'

Many, including some in the Republican party have condemned Trump's remarks.

One leading Republican said 'This is disgraceful and un American – being black, I mean. I support President Trump and everything he is doing. Lock them up. Lock them up.'

Image: WixAI

New police scandal: more time spent fighting crime than dancing at carnivals

In 2024, statistics have revealed, police shockingly spent more time fighting crime than they did dancing in large, plastic sunglasses at carnivals. For the first time this millennium, officers logged more hours conducting searches for criminals than doing the bojangle on an August Wednesday afternoon in W10. The news has been greeted with outrage across the cultural world.

‘We still have a long way to go,’ remarked a carnival organizer, ‘before the police of this country realize that their first priority is to grind uncomfortably against the rear end of a large lady bent over in front of them.’ The organizer was referring to the dance style of ‘daggering’ in which the male dancer rams his crotch area into the female dancer’s buttocks, paradoxically enhancing their esteem in the public view. Only male police officers are permitted to participate, though they may choose either role.

The police were founded by Sir Robert Peel with the specific remit to ‘let loose at all public assemblies where music be played loudethly.’ But critics are now accusing them of what is being termed dancestitutional racism. ‘This country clearly has a dancestitutionally racist police force,’ said one community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘What we want to see at a carnival is the police on their own float, with officers dressed in rainbow skin-tight leotards slithering manically up and down poles, as little children watch from the kerbside.’

Some have gone further. Another community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson has demanded that the police institute their own carnival. ‘There should be a 16 day event held annually in either Birmingham or London at which every single police officer in the country attends with badge number visible. To prove themselves true protectors of all communities they must then take ket and grind until they require medical attention. This would significantly reduce crime.’

But would it make the police less dancestitutionally racist? ‘No, it wouldn’t,’ said the community events liaison consultation agent spokesperson. ‘Due to inequalities in the structure of dance, the police are and will always remain dancestitutionally racist.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts

A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'

'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'

Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'

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