BREAKING: Boris Johnson rumoured to be about to make a speech that will not benefit him personally

As yet unsubstantiated reports are circulating that feckless self-serving buffoon, arch chancer and former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, may be about to deliver a speech before Christmas that will see him stand to gain absolutely nothing from it personally.

One senior parliamentary correspondent, commented, 'We'll see, but I'd advise the public not to get too excited, here. It's never happened before and in my view still remains highly unlikely.'

This extraordinary story is currently breaking and we will keep you updated as and when we have any further information

Report into dodgy decorator is a whitewash

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It's true. Your next-door neighbour really is an idiot

A report recently published has confirmed something that you've already known for years. Your next door neighbour is a total idiot, and now that it's official you can breathe a sigh of relief.

The report's author Dr David Lawson said, 'We interviewed over two thousand next-door neighbours and findings are conclusive. Your neighbour is a noisy idiot who plays loud music, he cooks smelly foreign food and often parks his car in your parking space.

'His wife is even more irritating with that stupid bloody laugh - and as for his fucking kids? Our research shows that they could definitely do with a good kick up the arse, especially the big, spotty, gangly streak of piss who looks like Peter Crouch.'

But it's not all good news because your neighbour, when asked his opinion on you, points out many of the exact same irritations, and in particular your insufferable air of superiority makes him want to smack you round the head with a good sturdy shovel.

Conflict Resolution Expert and muesli-chomping hippy, Crawford Wynterbourne, explains, 'Hey guys, modern living in a busy fast-paced world is stressful. Why don't you both get together over a beer and talk through your pent-up feelings of anger, resentment and hatred for one another.'

Tension evaporates when you both tell Crawford to 'go and fuck himself'. You then shake hands with your neighbour and invite him and his wife around for drinks next Friday.

Photo by Blake Wheeler on Unsplash