Donald Trump will personally clear the Strait of Hormuz using only his enormous mouth, White House sources have confirmed today. The mouth, believed to be one of the largest natural phenomena in the western hemisphere, will swallow the Iranian navy and revolutionary guard bases whole, while he simultaneously refills the troubled sea lane with salty crocodile tears for the victims of US missiles.
'I don't need any help' clarified the President on social media, in a follow up to his previous message 'help me you bastards'. 'My mouth is bigger than Iran. You can see it from space, that's why we sent Artemis up, to check, and the crew tell me it's true, they're good people.
'It's big enough to fit Bill Clinton's sax. And loads of his jazz.'
UK government spokespeople have hurried to confirm that the Royal Navy will not be involved in Mr Trump's operation, due to the danger of billions of gallons of his corrosive spittle and bile corroding warships that have only just been painted and waxed. That, and the risk of being crushed by his foot, which is sure to soon follow wherever his mouth goes.
Image: WixAI
The Ministry of Defence announced today that, despite criticism from President Trump our largest and best-equipped trireme, the HMS Jolly Matelot, would be pulling out of its home port of Hunstanton, just as soon as its Captain, Andrew Moistbottom-Wonder is available from his hectic routine of horse-riding and, well, more horse-riding.
"This vessel is state-of-the-art, equipped with BBD-01 Mk.VI Big British Drums for propulsion. These are capable of drive settings covering everything from Classical Waltz to Saturday Night Fever. I tell you, these disco rates don't half shift! And for stealth mode we've got big lambswool muffles to silence the drums. Admittedly, this kind of defeats the point of them, but we're hoping to work something out during the six-month sea trials it'll take us to get to the Med.
"The prow, ready to be rammed up the enemy, is carved as a grotesque fearsome horned lizard monster, or Faragec*nt to use the old nautical term. Again, it does need a bit of work on it. The way it's mounted now has it hanging off pointing to starboard and not really providing a clear way forward. Still, a few good soakings, encounters with jellyfish, and a couple of rusty buoys should soon straighten it out.
"And finally, the mighty Matelot has more oars than you can shake a stick at. Remember, our experienced Captain Andy knows how to handle 'ores, believe me. He's recently been getting hands-on with a couple of Norfolk broads he met round the back of the fish sheds at Kings Lynn. What could go wrong?