Newsbicuit takes on GB News

Cutting down from 7 bins? Where to throw the unused ones

After Rishi Sunak's announcement, a team of philosophers and dustmen are working on the best way to dispose of the unused bins.

A spokesman explained, 'As you know, before Sunak (BS) we had seven bins and these were used for metal, food, plastic, cardboard, clothing, government pledges and broken Brexit dreams.'

The government has released guidance suggesting that food and cardboard can be combined as by 2028 they'll be the same thing anyway, having clothing to recycle will be a distant dream, so that won't be necessary. Finally, the plastic bin should be put into itself for recycling.

Wind force now to be measured in bin movement

The Beaufort Scale is considered to be outdated, given that any discussion of gales is based on their impact on your garden. The new scale will range from 'George, did you move the bin last night?' to 'Oh my God, Margaret, the recycling is in the neighbour's pond'.

Storms will only be confirmed if your patio furniture has been upended. A moderate breeze will be indicated by how many crisp packets are stuck in your hedge, whereas hurricanes will be replaced with 'Where the f$ck is the garden gnome?'.

One scientist confirmed: 'The Met Office will only be giving accurate weather warnings once a week, given that the bins just go out on a Thursday.'