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Etsy redundancies to be handcrafted

The redundancies have been lovingly made from not very sustainable working contracts. Meaning 11% of the workforce will now be spraypainted and upcycled on Ebay.

Each sacking will have been painstakingly made using traditional sacking methods from a festive Victorian Market. The Ye Olde feel extends to all the unemployed dying of rickets.

Sporting a shabby-chic distressed look, the staff will be repackaged as 'artisanal unemployed'. One sacked employee remarked: 'It's sad to get the letter but look at the penmanship and on vellum too!'

Photo by Magda Smolen on Unsplash

MPs voted out to be released into the wild

The government is planning help for MPs who lose their lucrative jobs to make the transition into normal life.

The scheme is being heralded as making being an MP more attractive but is a widely seen as a thinly veiled admission that a lot of Tories, particularly in the north, will soon be adding to the unemployable stats.

Consultants are being employed to teach ex MPs skills such shouting, “Big Issue” or simply standing behind a counter and asking “Do you want fries with that?”

The scheme will not be available to MPs who step down. They will been deemed to have made themselves redundant and as such they will not be eligible for benefits, but will be given the services of a ghost writer to knock out a few trashy novels.

A similar scheme was being developed for ex PMs and Cabinet Ministers but was scrapped when it became obvious that the numbers were simply too high.