Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.
“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”
Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.
“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”
The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’
Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.
As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”
Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.
image from pixabay
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First published 30 Jul 2025
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The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs.
Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper at least. Exceptional students may also have their driving tests taken for them, and in some cases get to go on all-expenses-paid school trips to Colombia or Mexico.
‘Our suspicions were aroused by some excellent academic achievements at Academy schools in deprived areas,’ said a spokesman, who wanted to remain anonymous. 'And these schools also had excellent results in getting students into jobs.
‘We had asked our experts were looking for examples of high performing schools, so that they could identify best practice and share it with other schools. Unfortunately, one after another, these experts disappeared and have not been heard of since. We are particularly concerned about one professional who was reviewing some excellent performance in Building and Construction exams. When we tried to track him down, the school told us that there was no concrete evidence that he’d been abducted. and that our fears were ‘without foundation’.
The Department is currently considering whether to close down the schools that are involved, or – given the excellent exam results– to roll out the model more widely.
image from Google Gemini