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Parents steeling themselves for school Christmas plays


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Dazzlingly awful children's Christmas plays are being rehearsed just as parents rehearse their lies about how good the play was and how good their child was in it.


Teacher Jodie Johnstone said 'This year our theme is suffering. Specifically making parents aware of just how insufferable their little "angels" are.'


Parent Shelley Stevenson whispered conspiratorially 'God bless Bluetooth headphones, I'll be listening to a podcast whilst they shriek "Little Donkey" in 3 or 4 different keys. I'm also smuggling in booze. Did you think it was coffee in this travel mug?'


Stevenson violently nudged her snoring partner awake before adding 'This is the first time for years that we've had to sit through this drivel - bring back Covid, I say.'




First published 4 Dec 2022


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Britain's strictest school bans students from wearing vegetables


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A 14 year old schoolboy has had his cauliflower footwear taken from him at school because they don't follow the school's strict new uniform guidelines. Colin Rafferty, of class 9Z, was told that his brand new Cruciferous Brassicas, which cost £3 a pair at a local supermarket, did not strictly conform to The Willows Academy Trust's uniform policy, as they were, technically, vegetables.


The “footwear” in question was confiscated and he was given some real shoes from lost property to wear until his family could purchase more suitable attire. TWAT staff met students at the school gates on the first day of term to check that their uniform complied with the school's new, stricter rules before letting them to go to class.




Colin's mother, Carol, 29, was furious: 'Colin arrived at school to be told that cole crops were no longer deemed suitable footwear for school. He was mortified! He wore them all last year and nobody seemed to care! There's nothing in the school's rules about not wearing a cauliflower on each foot. It's a disgrace!'


One of TWAT's Senior Assistant Headteachers, Ms Newbie, has agreed to hand back Colin's own footwear as they were starting to go off, had become infested with caterpillars and were generally, stinking up her office.



She refused to comment on this individual case, but issued a press release stating the following:' The Willows Academy Trust uniform policy can be seen clearly on the TWAT website with images showing acceptable footwear. Root vegetables, brassicas and soft fruits are not, and never have been, permitted. Our new uniform policy has been in place since the beginning of September and students wearing incorrect uniform have been sent home to change'.



Ms Newbie refused discuss Ms Rafferty's accusation that another boy had been allowed to wear half a butternut squash on each foot, but admitted that an exception had been made for a student with a pre-existing medical condition, but only during indoor PE.




First published 22 Sep 2022


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