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'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

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News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product. Our brave boffins have come up with a suitably vague equation to summarise and monetise this very situation.


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Where:


x = Content Provided (in clicks/second)


y = Desperation for grant money (£ per second)


a = Willingness for scientists to be referred to as boffins (Lack-of-Shame per £)


b = Public gullibility (Gaslighting per person)


c = Slow news compensation factor (decreases exponentially after each major event)


This is classed as a Pseudo-numerical Supposition and instead of showing working, it’s show me the money.


I don't believe in climate modelling, says Lord Chill, and nobody can explain it


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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'




First published 26 Jul 2023


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