Dr Who likely on hiatus for a long time

The BBC has confirmed that an expensive Christmas special will not now be shown. A spokesman said, 'Russell T has made the plotline entirely too weird. Fans will not accept that the next Doctor is a combination of Billy Piper's body, Tom Baker's voice and the holographic face of William Hartnell. Nor will they accept a cross between Kryten from Red Dwarf, Orac from Blake's Seven, and an openly trans gay black naked llama as the next companion. Now that we've lost the Disney money, the only part of that that's affordable is Orac.

'We understand that the production company confidently expects to receive new and passably decent scripts real soon now. They are apparently being sent from the future by true believers in the franchise. The new scripts will resolve all the current plot holes, bring back the Daleks in a form that means the can use keyboards, coffee machines and all sorts. And the new scripts will appeal to young and old, be scary but not too scary, and will have a lot less gay stuff going on.

A production assistant is waiting for the new scripts by the fax machine, right now. At least I think it's a fax machine. Did it just move...?

Firms to use brain data surveillance to monitor workers

Companies are showing increasing interest in using brain-monitoring technology (‘neurotech’) to keep track of what their workers are up to.

Trials at a French-owned TotalPrix discount store have already proved the value of the technology, by electrocuting and grassing up staff,

Retail assistants on minimum wage wore a special beanie hat that monitored their brain waves. While the staff were stacking shelves, talking to customers or working at the checkout, there was no discernible brain activity. However, brain activity ‘lit up’ when staff nipped outside for a vape or a quick shag, when they played on-line gambling games, and when they were nicking stuff.

The store manager was impressed. He said that the store didn’t hire people to think and that the neurotech gizmos clearly showed that when staff are thinking, they are up to no good.

The staff, however, proved resourceful in undermining management’s attempts to watch their every move. One staff member sold his £60,000 neuro-beanie to a customer for a pound (everything’s a pound) and another dodged the surveillance by putting the hat on his dog. This staff member was subsequently fired, as the dog had, apparently, been thinking bad things.

Future iterations of the technology may be able to deliver larger, more painful electric shocks if independent thought is detected and fatal ones if staff members appear to be unionising.

Image: Milad Fakurian (@fakurian) | Unsplash Photo Community

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 9 Jun 2023

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Scientists invent semiidiotics to explain Trump's dumbness

Have you ever wondered why Donald Trump tries to get a peace deal with Iran by repeatedly bombing it? Or why he ever attacked Iran in the first place?

Political scientists have developed a new discipline called semiidiotics to try and account for every bungling mistake he's ever made - over tariffs, America's 250th anniversary celebrations, the east wing of the White House, and all the rest.

'The only problem with semiidiotics,' said Professor Hiram B. Pipesucker of the University of New Dworkin, 'is you have to be a halfwit to even start understanding the policies of this unbelievable oaf.

'We're now working on another system, called full-on-idiotics, to make Trump's behaviour completely comprehensible to total imbeciles. We're hoping they can then explain it to the rest of us.'

Image: WixAI