That five million pounds: an explanation

The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home.  And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid.  At least one of them is in Britain.  I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.

The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.

No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment.  It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country.  It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.

Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.

I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.

I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.

I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.

I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid.  A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something.  It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.

It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.

Can we talk about something else now?

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Mandelson told vetting team he was mates with Einstein

Following an intense, dramatic and absolutely no-stone-unturned investigation in Downing Street, it has emerged that the Prime Minister’s elite high-level security vetting team simply believed everything Peter Mandelson told them, because he wore a nice suit. The inquiry was launched after Labour MPs raised concerns that the government’s vetting process appeared to involve asking candidates 'Are you dodgy?'

A senior investigator explained how the process unfolded.

'It started off by him telling us his name was Mendelssohn. One of the interns Googled that and found he was a German composer, so he quickly changed his tune and produced a Senior Railcard.'

On the railcard was a photograph of Nelson Mandela.

“He said yes, that was him – Nelson Mandelason. We felt that was plausible and ticked the box marked ‘Identity: Verified’.”

The team then questioned Mandelason about his alleged links to Jeffrey Epstein.

'He said he’d never heard of Epstein, but he was on very good terms with Einstein. He once stayed at Einstein’s house to discuss the theory of relativity.”

Despite Einstein having died in 1955, the claim was accepted.

'Mr Mandelason explained that time is relative,' said the investigator. 'Since Einstein invented time, that basically checks out.'

On the strength of this evidence, Mandelson was immediately approved as UK Ambassador to the USA and, for reasons still unclear, appointed Brand Leader for the M&S menswear department.

A government spokesperson defended the process, saying, 'We followed rigorous procedures, including writing things down in a very official notebook.'

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Agreement reached on Harry's new armed security detail