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New Chancellor announces plan to tax mud


John Healey's first announcement as Chancellor is that he is introducing a tax on mud.


A statement explained, 'I have long been concerned by the inequality of mud throughout the UK, the wealthy have a lot of it and those in the margins of society have very little. To tax people on the amount of mud they own is an innovative and socialist policy which will deliver exactly the sort of wealth distribution this country needs.


'Further, in my time as defence Secretary, I saw that the Army has an awful lot of mud, and rolling around in it is a core part of basic training for our world class soldiers. The tax the Army pays on all its mud will go a long way to help us fund the NATO defence spending target of 5% of GDP.'


Kemi Badenoch retort was written in mud. 'This is yet another socialist policy aimed at stifling commercial research and development. We have a great innovation culture in this country founded on the principle of throwing mud at a wall and seeing what sticks. Any policy which drives up costs is bad for business and my Tory voting constituents.'


Tax advisor Ivor Lottagold said 'This will inevitably lead to the wealthy moving their mud offshore. The obvious choice of this is the Isle of Man which could ultimately see itself becoming part of the mainland.


Thames Water has approached the Government for clarification that poo does not constitute mud. A spokesman for DEFRA said 'Thames Water does indeed have a lot of poo, despite its unsuccessful plan of trying to hide it all in the Thames. Further, if poo were classed as mud under the new tax, then the renationalisation of Thames Water would be prohibitively expensive.'


'It would really muddy the waters.'




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An important message from your water company – stop using water!


Dear Valued Customer,


The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.


While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.


Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.


To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.


Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.


Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.


Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.


You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.


Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.


Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.


Thank you for your cooperation.


Yours faithfully,


Your Local Water Company


P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.


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