Stagnating UK growth has been rescued from the jaws of meh by the phenomenal performance of the pet sex toy sector.
Formerly a duopoly, the industry is now dominated by just one conglomerate with a logo banned in every county of Wales. Sex Toys 4 Pets is now so successful, it has overtaken cryptocurrency to become the fastest growing market in Somerset.
Donkey Cockrings Account Manager, Ethel Montgomery said, 'We can't keep up with demand. Pre-orders of tortoise anal beads have gone through the roof, and we've had to hire twenty thousand new employees today just to process budgerigar clitoris stimulator complaints.
'Our PR department, which is currently the size of Argyll and Bute, has told me to clearly state that the complaints are not from budgerigars themselves. They are very satisfied. The dissatisfaction is predominantly from owners of parakeets, exasperated at the current absence of a specific product for their pets.
'They need not worry, as we have just opened up a new factory employing the entire population of Arbroath, and following checks at our Westward Ho! quality control laboratory, shipments should begin next Tuesday.'
It's not all good news, though. Exports of lesbian goldfish double-ended dildos to Bulgaria have slumped after a report generated by artificial intelligence panicked investors with false claims about an inability to perform in moist conditions.
Jemima Horn, founder of Sex Toys 4 Pets, allayed fears by confirming, 'B-tranche shares on the Singapore stock exchange have surged overnight on news that global growth will quadruple next month as we enter farm animals. Predictions say that we will dominate sheep, and the excitement among pig farmers is a word which has not been invented yet.'
