TV viewers are reportedly 'delighted' that, following the editing out of contestant Sarah Shafi, who voiced 'sweet little concerns in a girly whisper, bless her' over the objectionable behaviour of hosts Greggg Wallace and John Torode, the new series of Masterchef is en route to featuring no contestants whatsoever.
'It's been a difficult period for the show,' confirmed a BBC spokesperson, 'But we think we've finally nailed her - sorry - got our finger on the nub of the swollen issue - so to speak- and fondled the perfect format into touch, literally. Our first, ahem, masterstroke, was editing out a gender and ethnic minority contestant for objecting to providing a platform for sound-as-a-pound presenters against whom a footling 46 claims of inappropriate language and behaviour have been legally - and, ooh, firmly - upheld. Then we thought: why stop there?
'So we simply removed at a stroke - haha - all the female contestants, who weren't exactly pulling their weight (and don't get me started on that can of would-it-be-too-much-trouble-to-make-a-little-effort, eh, girls?) to make their reedy delusions heard over the top of Gregggg's beautifully shrieked bons mots. Then anyone a bit ...'you know'; followed by any remaining top laaads not laughing themselves strangulated every time Grabb leered: 'Stick that up your leaky noisette, Nigella!'
'By show four, his sublime move into pure, unsullied mime (and it's hard - teehee - to get it alternating direction every swing) was raising - wait for it - no more than a titter, so we had no choice but to let the rest go. Fortunately this means there's nothing to come - yes please, mummy- between the real, engorged talent and buffing up some pretty impressive hardware - sorry, needed a moment there - next awards' season.
'Other than basic morals and respect for our viewers, but let's face it: we've proved that's as shrivelled as a whelk's wiener on a winter morning.'
Image: Alexandra_Koch - Pixabay
