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Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer



It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'


They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.


The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'


All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.


'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'


After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.


Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'




First published 6 Jun 2023


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Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'


TV viewers are reportedly 'delighted' that, following the editing out of contestant Sarah Shafi, who voiced 'sweet little concerns in a girly whisper, bless her' over the objectionable behaviour of hosts Greggg Wallace and John Torode, the new series of Masterchef is en route to featuring no contestants whatsoever.


'It's been a difficult period for the show,' confirmed a BBC spokesperson, 'But we think we've finally nailed her - sorry - got our finger on the nub of the swollen issue - so to speak- and fondled the perfect format into touch, literally. Our first, ahem, masterstroke, was editing out a gender and ethnic minority contestant for objecting to providing a platform for sound-as-a-pound presenters against whom a footling 46 claims of inappropriate language and behaviour have been legally - and, ooh, firmly - upheld. Then we thought: why stop there?


'So we simply removed at a stroke - haha - all the female contestants, who weren't exactly pulling their weight (and don't get me started on that can of would-it-be-too-much-trouble-to-make-a-little-effort, eh, girls?) to make their reedy delusions heard over the top of Gregggg's beautifully shrieked bons mots. Then anyone a bit ...'you know'; followed by any remaining top laaads not laughing themselves strangulated every time Grabb leered: 'Stick that up your leaky noisette, Nigella!'


'By show four, his sublime move into pure, unsullied mime (and it's hard - teehee - to get it alternating direction every swing) was raising - wait for it - no more than a titter, so we had no choice but to let the rest go. Fortunately this means there's nothing to come - yes please, mummy- between the real, engorged talent and buffing up some pretty impressive hardware - sorry, needed a moment there - next awards' season.


'Other than basic morals and respect for our viewers, but let's face it: we've proved that's as shrivelled as a whelk's wiener on a winter morning.'


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