In a new cost-cutting measure, it was announced today that the police service will be disbanded and replaced by an email autoresponder.
'We’ve been paving the way for this for years,” said a spokesman today. “You report a burglary via a website, you get an email giving you a crime number, and then literally nothing else happens. By now, no one in their wildest dreams imagines a copper will actually come to their house to take a statement or dust for fingerprints, let alone that their property will ever be recovered.
'The email will include a link to Victim Support, though obviously it’ll be provided by AI rather than an actual person. You’ll be asked how much the crime has upset you on a scale of 1-10, then the system will respond with the appropriate level of transparently fake sympathy.'
However, some have objected that while this might be OK for trivial crimes like burglary and assault, it’s entirely inappropriate for serious crimes like sexist language and refusing to respect someone’s preferred pronouns.
The Fire Brigade, which was today praised for the progress it’s made in reducing racism, sexism and all other isms within its ranks, has announced that it’s going to focus on this - and stripping - in future rather than putting out fires.
'The Mayor of London has made it clear to me that this is the priority now,' said Chief Fire Officer Steve Makeweight today. 'It’s a different world, and we have to change with the times.
'And since these new guidelines don’t come with any new funding, they shouldn’t be surprised if we can’t devote so much time to putting out fires in future.'
He went on to say that he welcomed these new priorities because 'they’re much less expensive than actual firefighting.
'After all, you don’t need protective equipment to sit through endless meetings about diversity and sexist language in the workplace. They don’t make a suit that can protect you from condescension and mind-melting tedium.'
'Anyone physically able to be a fireman will be asked to become a fireman-stripper instead.'
Image: WixAI