The Bard’s early attempts at porn

If music be the food of love, perchance it should be played upon the pink oboe. - (12½ Nights)

What light from yonder window breaks? It is the sun and Juliet is wearing but a thin white cotton slip – hubbah hubbah! - (Romeo Does Juliet)

'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep, perchance to dream — mayhap that dream with the two nuns and the church candle; ay! There’s a rub! - (Hamlet, or Porking For Beginners)

I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs, the dog in supplication and the limp starfish partaking of a ciggie. - (Othella, Whore of Venice)

And gentlemen in England now a-bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles perusing a jazz mag. - (Henry the Filth)

I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and thy trousers the blessings of my horse. - (Much Ado About Stuffing)

Let us sit upon the ground and tell glad stories of the girth of dings.

How some have been exposed, some lain with whores,

Some vaunted for the lengths they have exposed.

Some moistened by their swives, some sleeping filled;

All moither'd. - (The Second Dick)

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; Lust, on the other hand, grabs you from behind! - (A Midsummer's Wet Dream)

Is this a dagger I see before me, or are you just pleased to see me? - (MacBellend)

Beauty is bought by judgement of the eye, so get 'em out, love. - (Love's Labours Toss'd)

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or present a fair maiden with a necklace of pearls? - (Porking for Beginners)

When shall we three meet again? When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won, then shall we three meet again at the dogging site, next Tuesday. - (MacBellend)

A whore, a whore, my Kingdom for a whore. - (Richard the Turd)

Once more unto the breeches. - (Henry the Filth)

How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice? - (Henry the Sexth, Part II)

Lay on MacDuff. - (Mrs MacDuff)

Is this a todger I see before me? - (Lady MacBeth)

Oh that this too solid flesh melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. - (The Viagra soliloquy)

Out, damned spot. - (Lady MacBeth, whose character originally featured in Two Gentleman of Venerea)

Is this a dagger that I see before me, the handle towards my hand?

But screw your courage to the sticky place.

- I've not heard it called that before.

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. O, that I were a glove upon that hand. That I might touch that cheek. Hold on, change that, she’s decided to sit down.

What news on the camel toe? - (Carlo's Old Anus)

Tell me, where's this fancy bed? - (The Temptress)

Heat not a furnace for your foo-foo so hot that it do singe yourself. - (A Midsummer Night's Wet Dream)

All the world's a stage, and all the women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time has had the lot of them. - (As She Likes It)

Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt the money shot. - (Ham-a-lot, Ponce of Denmark)

For which of my big parts didst thou first fall in love with me? - (Much Ado About Something)

Forsooth my lord, she doth present as a high yielder. You doth not get many of them to the pound! - (Carry On Up The Falstaff)

Contributions from and hat tips to: SteveB, Lockjaw, Deskpilot, Midfield Diamond, Chipchase, Beau-Jolly

Search begins to find someone worse than Trump

The Republican Party normally has a monopoly on incompetence, but there are concerns that the well of stupidity has run dry. Said one activist: 'We're down to our last batch of idiots. We just hope one is sociopathic enough to stand out.'

Donald Trump still leads in the polls and in the number of court cases pending. So, it will take a world-class douchebag to surpass him. But many fear that candidates like Ron DeSantis do not have the horns and pointy tail to compete.

Explained an analysist: 'The early 21st century was a golden age of arsehollery. Trump was the Shakespeare of slime. It may be generations until we see his like again or see his tax returns.'

Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.

A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly.

Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions.

We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch a monkey is the softly softly approach. He definitely wants to kidnap me. I’d bet my adorable little fez on it.

‘We’ve always got on fine. There was one silly incident about car parking but that was sorted; he told me I couldn’t park outside my house, and I threw my crap at him. That was the end of that. Then he started wearing hush puppies and whispering a lot.’

We asked Mr. Monkey why he thinks his neighbour would want to kidnap him.

‘He’s heard that stupid theory, hasn’t he? You know the one. If you give a monkey a typewriter, he’ll eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I took a parcel in for him yesterday and I accidently ripped it open and inside was a massive cage and a typewriter. What else could he be planning?’

We questioned his neighbour who was flabbergasted at the accusation. ‘The thought has never entered my head,’ said Dr Steven Power, a renowned primatologist and playwright often referred to as the 'new Shakespeare'.

Tommy12000

Image: DaFranzos | Pixabay

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