"I regret to say that HMS Puff the Magic Dragon is not yet ready to sail to the Eastern Mediterranean,' Sir Keir Starmer told the nation in a prime ministerial broadcast, 'preferring to live by the sea in a land called Honah Lee - otherwise known as Portsmouth.
'So instead, we will be sending to the war zone a set of very strict rules and regulations.
'In the event of the Islamic Revolution Guard Corps launching missiles on RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus or the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai, a civil servant in a bowler hat will inform them that their actions are directly contrary to the 1949 Geneva Conventions and customary international law.
'This will prove that the UK is doing the maximum it can to maintain the rules-based international order.
'And rest assured that we will eventually get round to sending HMS Puff, just as soon as it has stopped playing with strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff.'
The Royal Navy has two other, almost functioning, ships in its fleet: HMS Chatbot and HMS Drooler (formerly HMS Duke of York).
