Panicking shoppers restricted to three mince pies and a turkey

With only 305 shopping days left until Christmas, anxious shoppers have reported seeing a shortage of stollen and chocolate coins on supermarket shelves. The main supermarkets admit they are experiencing supply chain issues with fur tree growers and advent calendar manufacturers. Panicking shoppers have begun camping overnight outside stores, and police have made a number of arrests for violent disorder.

A shopper in Ipswich said: ‘Everything was fine until someone told me not to panic. As soon as I heard there were no mince pies at Asda, I went on eBay and got one for fifty quid.’

It is believed the panic was made worse when 'Stop the Cavalry' was accidentally broadcast on a Tannoy system.

NewsBiscuit Editorial insists that fur trees do exist, tortoiseshell being the most common variety.

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‘I can’t seem to see your Christmas puddings.’ Customer beaten to death with pricing gun

Supermarkets have apologised after several members of staff ‘totally lost their shit’ during the festive period. At least a dozen customers were left with life-changing injuries. Police believe staff are being ‘triggered’ by inappropriate comments during busy periods, such as ‘Do you have any of them things… you know, those things. Oh, you know… with the bits in?’

A customer in Durham was beaten with a mop for tapping on the window at 5.30 on Boxing Day morning and mouthing the words ‘are you open?’ to a cleaner. The angry cleaner was shot by armed police, but not before the early bird shopper lost both ears. A disgruntled customer in Newcastle was injured on New Year’s Day for saying ‘You seem to have run out of Easter eggs.’ She died later in hospital.

One supermarket manager said: ‘It’s been a complete bloodbath these past few days. I’ve had to put yellow cones out to stop people slipping on gore and entrails. Health and safety remains our number one priority.’

Police have asked customers to avoid using these key ‘trigger’ comments.

1. ‘Will you be open during the apocalypse?’

2. ‘Do you sell fireworks?’

3. ‘Excuse me, I know you’re balancing a pallet of highly volatile nitro-glycerine and a pyramid of overflowing champagne glasses on your head, but can you point me to the scented candles aisle?’

4. ‘Martin Lewis shall hear of this! I demand an apology, a voucher, and a blow job.’

5. ‘Got any Prime? Me need Prime. Prime good. Me need Prime good.’

The government has called a special meeting of COBRA in response to the attacks. Shelf-replenishers have had their pricing gun licenses revoked, and all staff have been given Valium and Prozac to make them more ‘relatable’ to mouth-breathing customers.

Nation prays for royal death to stop supermarket xmas music

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