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Newsbiscuit contributor – ‘A moment of madness'




A tearful Robowurzel announced last night that he was considering stepping back from contributing to Newsbiscuit – allegedly a top 10 (of something) in the world of satire.


He blubbed: 'In a moment of madness, okay actually about three years, I have been posting tasteless, puerile, politically, grammatically and punctuationally incorrect material that hopefully someone would find offensive. However all that resulted was a few ‘likes’, but mostly silence.


'I realise I have let myself down. But more than this I have let down my family, my friends (not that I have got many), the postman, the dog next door, Boris Johnson and others too few to mention.


'Unfortunately news of my shame has spread. The BBC has approached me to ask if I would be interested in becoming a football pundit. I pointed out that I hate the sport and know nothing about it. In response they offered to double my salary.'


Photo by dlxmedia.hu on Unsplash


Silicon Valley CEOs rejoice at annual data harvest festival



'Let us thank God, our great provider, for blessing us with yet another year's harvest of everyone's personal data," said lay preacher Mark Zuckerberg to his fellow hi-tech barons in the Cathedral Church of St Elon X in Palo Alto.


'Yet again, we have toiled hard and suckered billions of people online into handing over to us a delicious crop of personal details, browsing habits and spending patterns. And we have achieved this by being completely opaque about what information we are gathering from them and who we are selling it to.


'And we thank the Good Lord that for another year, the regulators have left us free to reap highly lucrative data from our fellow citizens in whatever sneaky way we like.


'So why don't all you unscrupulous CEOs give yourselves a treat? Reach into these baskets up here at the altar, which are full of harvest-time donations from the most innocent and unsuspecting souls in our cyber-community, and help yourselves to some extra-large sheaves of personal info to flog off to dodgy retailers and finance companies.


'I have no idea why our Lord and Saviour consistently grants us filthy-rich sinners such bountiful data harvests, year after year," continued Preacher Zuckerberg, looking bashful. "But intelligence suggests it may actually be the demon Mammon who's been doing us all these foul favours.


'So forget our Lord and Saviour. Praise Mammon for his providence, and glorify his name!'


Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Astronomers face unexpected attack from social media



Having found that planet HD 189733 b whiffs of rotten eggs, social media keyboard warriors have raised concerns that scientists may be training the James Webb Space Telescope to search for planets that smell of sugar and spice and all things nice and have accused these scientists of paedophillia, since this is what little girls are alleged to be made from.


Sir Patrick Valance, who was recently appointed by the Prime Minister as Science Minister said the idea was almost as absurd as those he heard government ministers spout during the pandemic, but the Reform UK leader echoed the words of Mandy Rice-Davies of the Profumo scandal fame, by saying “Well he would say that, wouldn’t he?”




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