Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners.

From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspoons against saucers in Royal Tunbridge Wells and the near-cancellation of the Royal Ascot Ladies Day.

Mr Tom Bowler, Minister for Headwear and Protective Coverings, is expected to encourage Northerners to donate any caps that they no longer require to those less fortunate in the south so that they, too, can stay warm in the winter.

'This is a good way that we can protect the environment and use less fossil fuels,' Mr Bowler said, 'so not only are we all able to help the Earth, but we're also saving money, too, by not turning on the heating.  So I urge everyone int' north to donate any unused caps, hats and headwear to us southern jessies, so that we can all be safe and warm this winter.'

image from Google Gemini

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Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire.

The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You only have to look inside a kettle. After six months it looks like it’s been concreted.'

By contrast, Manchester was classified as 'soft', while large parts of Scotland were found to be so soft that researchers have advised residents not to make eye contact with anyone from Kent.

The findings have caused particular embarrassment in Yorkshire, where generations of men have cultivated a reputation for toughness despite apparently washing in something with roughly the mineral content of Evian. 'We’ve always regarded ourselves as hard,' said one Leeds resident. 'But apparently people in Croydon are substantially harder. I’m struggling to process it.'

'That’s what makes people from Kent so formidable,' said a spokesman. 'Every cup of tea is basically a geological event.'

Newcastle has disputed the methodology, arguing that hardness should be measured by willingness to go out in February without a coat rather than milligrams of calcium carbonate per litre.

The government is now considering replacing the traditional North-South divide with a new national classification system ranging from 'Glasgow: incredibly soft' to 'Margate: fucking granite'.

Image credit: perchance.org

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