Where no man has gone before

'Basic Skynet' to offer annihilation of mankind supported by ads

Murderous artificial intelligence, Skynet, is to roll out the destruction of human society in a nuclear apocalypse at a new budget price level for occasional users before then end of the year. The service will guarantee the annihilation of mankind, but offer users access to a its library of streaming TV and movies, supported by advertising.

After years as the dominant evil computer network, Skynet has come under pressure from rivals HalTV, which offers movies, TV and live sports, but with less choices relating to life support systems and the opening and closing of pod bay doors, and Matrix Movies, which offers a similar package with humans to be used for fuel while living in a simulated reality. While all services guarantee certain doom for humanity, HalTV is thought to have benefited from its acquisition of the Star Trek franchise.

Heavy competition recently led to Skynet's first losses last year with the mankind-hating neural network looking for ways to recoup its disappointing subscriber numbers since the end of Covid. Skynet has been beset with problems as customers complain of incomprehensible, constantly changing rules, and uncertainty over whether their basic option will lead to the extermination or mere enslavement of mankind. HalTV customers have also experienced technical issues as viewers find themselves suddenly cascading through a bewildering vortex of light halfway through programmes.

Skynet has assured the public that with the new lower tier, customers will still qualify for a free 7 day trial.

One enthusiastic subscriber told us: "While all the services have their drawbacks, the choice is amazing when you think about it. I can binge watch just about any show I want without having to wait a week between episodes or worry about returning it to the video store."

"Sure, it will lead to the complete destruction or enslavement human society, but they're still easier to unsubscribe from than Amazon."

Picard slams Kirk's latest "mission" as "little more than a publicity stunt"

Starfleet's Jean-Luc Picard has slammed former colleague, James T Kirk's flight into space today, as "nothing more than a tawdry publicity stunt from a man whose glory days are now long behind him". The stinging remarks were made on live TV when Picard was asked to comment on the latest mission by Jeff Bezos's Blue Origin rocket. He told reporters: 'You call that a space mission? Good God, space joke more like. It was nothing other than than an elaborately overpriced fairground ride. A risible joke. He'd have been more at risk on The One at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. "Now if Kirk had maybe gone to the Delta Quadrant, been captured by the Borg, assimilated into the collective as a drone, but then escaped and shagged a few alien birds along the way, that would be a different matter altogether. But, come on, he just went straight up in the air above the Texas Desert and came straight back down again. Blink and you'd miss it. No more five-year missions, now. Eh, Jimbo?'' However, speaking on the steps of his multibillion dollar state-of-the-art phallic craft after the historic flight, an angry Kirk hit back. 'Picard's just a sore loser. Listen, there's only one Starfleet Captain Jeff (Bezos) wanted to fly that mission and you're looking at him right here, my friends. But now if you'll excuse me, this space suit's chafing, I've been cooped up in the capsule for a good twenty minutes and I have to visit the restroom to boldly go.'

image pixabay/henlfern

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