UK train companies suspend all services after Russia's drone strike targeting Boris in Ukraine

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.

'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.

'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services. 

'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.' 

photo: newsbiscuit archive

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Starmer govt still struggling to please everyone

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Starmer brings back paganism with civil service sacrifices

The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice.

Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins.

Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador.

"Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Starmer," said one backbench druid, "because out of the blue they produced this huge file of evidence showing that Mandelson was appalling and that Starmer was an utter twit for giving him another public role."

It's rumoured that several other civil servants have been lined up for the chop and that the sacrifices will continue until Sir Keir has managed to shift the blame for the Mandelson fiasco onto someone else apart from his stupid self.