The Prime Minister is to reintroduce 2,000 year-old pagan religion to Britain and has already started by making the first human sacrifice.
Prime Druid Sir Keir Starmer performed the Celtic-style ritual at the Despatch Box in the Commons on a pleasantly boring civil servant called Sir Olly Robbins.
Starmer wished to appease the gods, having suffered terrible misfortunes after appointing Lord Mandelson as UK ambassador.
"Those gods must have really had it in for High Priest Starmer," said one backbench druid, "because out of the blue they produced this huge file of evidence showing that Mandelson was appalling and that Starmer was an utter twit for giving him another public role."
It's rumoured that several other civil servants have been lined up for the chop and that the sacrifices will continue until Sir Keir has managed to shift the blame for the Mandelson fiasco onto someone else apart from his stupid self.
T
he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was.
By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make more sense when your realise Sir Keir cannot tie his shoelaces together.
His supporters always trumpeted is ability to chair a meeting, they just never mentioned that it was a chimp's tea party. Meanwhile, Sir Keir is still qualified for one job-Village Idiot-it's just unfortunate that he's not popular enough to get voted in.