Despite a series of increasingly unfortunate PR stunts, care home favourite, Matt Hancock, has managed to maintain his unshakeable reputation as a wet blanket. City PR firm "guru" and daddy's special little trust fund princess, Triplesec Montesquewd, sighed, 'We've tried everything, darling. First we paid off a pub landlord to pretend to be his friend. Then we trained him how to maintain a stiff upper lip, but he just wept like a pathetic commoner. 'We pulled him out of the public eye for a while to focus on his burger van chitchat, but if anything he became even more cringeworthy. After that we had no choice but to point out where the security cameras in the office were and send in one of our high class harpies. 'Nothing was really working, so we enrolled him at a special "man-up" finishing school in the jungle. After that disaster, I shrugged and suggested he just get into a fight on the underground. 'As a last resort, I called in Gordon. Although he's a valued member of my personal social sphere, you might know him better as Elaborate Sting. Marvellous musician, yet an even more talented virtual charisma coach. But silly Hancock panicked and asked for a sackload of cash. 'On the upside, the whole sorry saga has, shall we say, "inspired" 80s supergroup The Police to reform. They're releasing a new album called Special Measures.'
top of page
Updated: Dec 24, 2021
One of the cleverest men in Surrey thought to speak a staggering total of two languages, has been caught out in an embarrassing sting operation.
Craig Haverford from Guildford had boasted for many years of speaking two languages fluently. But when challenged by a female regular at the Star Inn last Saturday evening, it transpired that all he could do was translate between English and a language known as Northern English.
'I was born in Halifax and spent most of my early life in places north of the Watford Gap,' said Haverford. 'Then, in my early teens, my parents forcibly removed me from the region to live in a new and strange place called T' South. I had to adapt quickly to survive, forcing me to learn Southern English. It was hard because some people speak a dialect called Queen's Tongue Well-plummy, and others speak a completely different form called Mockney Eastenders.
'But I got there in the end. That enabled me to help people from different parts of England understand each other. There's no Google Translate for Scouse, Brummie, or Yorkshire Bastard, so Southerners could only communicate by being head-butted.
bottom of page