Angela Rayner calls in DIY:SOS to help build a million homes

Ms Rayner, who admits the promised number may have stemmed from a drink fuelled night in Ibiza, stated the main advantage of utilising the programme’s workforce is obviously cost. 'They cheerfully volunteer to build and renovate for nothing, giving up their free time for a good cause. And believe me there is no better cause right now than my reputation and getting these homes constructed and occupied.'

DIY:SOS front man, Nick Knowles, said the team are always up for a challenge, but is not sure if 1.5 million homes can be squeezed out of the BBC budget. However, right now he is more concerned with the ganchos and sacadas of his Argentine Tango. 'Strictly speaking, that’s what I’m bricking at the moment'.

For the deputy Prime Minister there are not too many other options available. She did, however, remain upbeat. 'There is one other solution. Can we fix it? Yes we can.'

Image: WixAI

Dance like nobody, especially Craig Revel Horwood, is watching

Strictly to recruit famous dead person for next series

NewsBiscuit has seen a secret BBC document suggesting that the Corporation may be about to recruit a famous dead person for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing. In a paper marked “Strictly Confidential”, the unknown author states that with the success of Rose Ayling-Ellis, Johnnie Peacock and now Chris McCausland, the public has been shown to “willingly embrace diversity amongst the contestants”.

However, the text emphasises that any announcement would come with significant communication challenges. In particular, the messaging around the decision should highlight the “innovation and edginess”, and not mention anything about “lower appearance fees”, or that a dead person would be “unable to complain about abuse”.

While the paper acknowledges the challenges of “visual appearance and decomposition”, it states however that “make-up, fake tan and glitter should successfully conceal the vast majority of blemishes”.

A further challenge noted is the "relatively small pool of famous preserved corpses", some of whom were dictators, whose “past political views may overshadow the dance performances and therefore complicate news management”. As a result, a draft shortlist comprising only Tollund Man and Jeremy Bentham is set out, with the latter being “cheaper but scoring very poorly on name recognition in early focus groups”.

In a final point, the document’s author says that while there might be initial criticism about recruiting someone who “couldn’t dance or even smile”, these issues had been “dealt with years ago in recruiting Ann Widdecombe”.

image from pixabay