Posh paint manufacturer Farrow and Ball is to delay the release of it's much anticipated 'Sue Grey', a whitewash with a subtle tinge of filth, designed to be wiped clean time and time again without leaving any indication of soiling or impurity.
Marketed as suitable for party kitchens and drawing rooms, it's all over in ten minutes application appeals to a less traditional customer base, who 'couldn't give a flying one' about a silky smooth outcome or cleaning up the mess afterwards.
Sue Gray will report that Boris Johnson is a “lightweight” who “can’t handle his drink”, a leaked extract from her highly anticipated report reveals.
“Almost the entire nation turned drink to help them get through the horrors of lockdown,” the report will say. “Many people started to find excuses to drink earlier. I mean, I was on the gin shortly after lunch most days.
“Yet if we believe Boris, he only stayed at one party for half an hour and his birthday party was only ten minutes long. He is either lying or a total lightweight.”
Further damning evidence suggests that there was even one day when there wasn’t a party at Number 10, the report adds.
One backbench MP said the findings put Boris out of step with the rest of the parliamentary Conservative Party.
“Even before the pandemic, there was a drinking culture on the backbenches,” they said. “He has really let the side down this time. I’d write a letter of no confidence but to be honest, I’m a bit too pissed at the moment.”
In yet another twist to the Downing Street Parties Saga, it has been confirmed that Sue Gray has enlisted the help of the gang from Hanna Barbera's popular 1960s' cartoon series, Scooby Doo.
In an interview with the BBC, Ms Gray has admitted that she has recruited the high school sleuths to help in what is proving to be a perplexing mystery.
She told the BBC's Laura Kuenssberg, “The gang is ideal for this type of investigation. Fred has been building ghost traps all over the Downing Street garden, Velma has been on her hands and knees, looking for her glasses in a maze of corridors, Daphne has been kidnapped by Old Man Rees Mogg and Shaggy and Scooby have been eating all of the hors d'oeuvres and canapes from an old abandoned snack mine they discovered below the Downing Street cellars.”
Ms Gray continued, “We are quite sure that we will find out who instigated all of these parties."
So far she is remaining tight-lipped, but one of the main suspects is said to be Old Man Corbyn from the old, disused Opposition front benches.
