Taliban navy a viable threat says USA

Tories annual piss-up in brewery cancelled after Boris forgot to send out the invitations

'You couldn't bloody make it up, could you?' shouted Sir Dudley Farquhar the long-standing member for Dungeness West since 1867.

'It was all jolly straightforward. We had the brewery booked, which, by the way, was a dashed decent venue. The white burgundy order was delivered on time and dear Priti laid on a troupe of recently evacuated Afghan dancing women. We had Michelin star catering, with canapés and rare Ormskirk truffles.

'Then, of course, Captain Chaos gets involved, and everything goes to hell in a hand cart. The silly arse forgot to send out the invitations. For any self-respecting Tory, missing out on a piss-up is a crime against humanity. To my mind, he's too easily distracted by the interfering covid boffin Johnnies. He needs to get his priorities right. I've already sent my letter of no confidence in the bungling idiot to the higher echelons of the influential 1622 committee.

'Frankly, I can't remember such a useless politician since a chap called Boris Johnson wished the Taliban a merry Christmas when he was Foreign Secretary.'

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Afghan translators concerned about spam emails

With the release of 250 email addresses of former Afghan translators by the MoD, many are living in fear of being targeted by spammers, phisheres and other nefarious abusers of online abuse. 'I've emailed the Taliban to see if they can't do something about it,' said one one former translator who wished to remain anonymous (number forty-one on the list). 'It was bad enough when the MoD issued us with mobile phones and published the numbers - I don't even know what PPI is, let alone think I've been mis-sold it,' said another un-named translator (number two hundred and two on the list, just below Ahmed Khali, who also asked to for his identity to be kept secret).

The MoD has apologised for 'a slightly inconvenient release of data' but has stressed it has kept most of the information pertinent to the translators secret - such as if and when they will be repatriated and where they can redeem their Nectar points if they don't get to leave Afghanistan.