Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.

The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.

The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.

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Trump’s tariff alchemy

After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for alchemists.

Alchemists will be able to get grant funding to research how to turn base metal into steel, copper and aloominum. They will also qualify for 200% tax write-offs on all business expenses, including political donations.

The President has imposed tariffs on metal imports in order to boost domestic production, despite the fact that the USA does not have any significant deposits of iron, copper or aloominum. So alchemy could provide a solution. He has told America’s top universities (except Harvard) that all will be forgiven if their research can support domestic metal production.

Social scientists will also be able to access the funding, if their research can find a way of turning base Democrats into Republicans.

Trump to tax Americans to the hilt to show Putin who is boss

With the deadline for Russia to finish the war in Ukraine rapidly whizzing past, Trump has doubled down on the Russian President. He has ordered that tariffs (long spelling for import taxes) to be applied 'doubly, bigly and nowly' against non-existent Russian imports into the United States, adding to the huge hike in tariffs set against India for oil sold by India to Russia, presumably as long the oil is sold via the United States. Which it isn't, but hey-ho.

'We'll increase tariffs to one thousand per cent against anyone who says I don't understand how tariffs work,' quoted a spokesperson for the President.

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