Electorate rejoices at budget

Scarcely had Chancellor Jeremy Hunt had sat down, the electorate stood as one and cheered.

'Infrastructure is going to be improved,' shouted a trader at Canary Wharf, who now realises he can cut his Oyster Cards costs to next to nothing once he buys a prime piece of real estate next to his workplace as his work locality is levelled up.  'Hell, I may even start to work from home and still meet up with the team in the pub at five,' he said.

'Thank the Lord we don't have to recalculate our income stream,' shouted millions of pensioners, relieved that NI, not income tax, was being reduced.  The sentiment was echoed by the millions of zero hour, part time minimum wage workers who admitted it really didn't matter which tax was reduced as they don't pay either.  The government has rightly branded these low paid workers as tax avoiding scroungers.  But not during the budget, obviously.

'It's about time the government did something about these loaded millionaires taking advantage of the multiple purchase stamp duty exemption scam,' mumbled a man in a suit stood at the despatch box during the budget, admittedly after taking advantage of the 'scam' for about thirteen properties before the rule was changed.

The HSE noted that they would have warned the Chancellor to duck as he left the House of Commons due to the lack of fiscal headroom he has left himself, or more likely Rachel Reeves, but the lack of investment in publicly funded bodies precluded anyone being available.

image from pixabay

Core Tory voters discuss budget

Musk implants neural chip, denies it’s for evil

Elon Musk, exactly the sort of man who would want a cyborg army, has denied creating a cyborg army, before lifting his little finger to the corner of his mouth and cackling maniacally. This signal triggered the cyborg army that he definitely hasn’t already created, to begin seizing control of key defence infrastructure around the world, in anticipation of the brutal slaughter of billions.

Musk then asked the cyborg army’s hive mind AI to determine humanity’s fate. Unfortunately for Musk, the AI determined that the best thing for humanity would be for Musk to pay an appropriate amount of tax. Then it changed Twitter's name back to Twitter. Then it used one of Musk’s own rockets to fire him directly into the heart of the Sun.

Photo by Brian Kostiuk on Unsplash