Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.
Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.
Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.
mid-managers from a variety of institutions have expressed their disappointment with the Tory leadership debates so far. A spokesbeing from FuckwitsЯus, the union of senior managers told Newsbiscuit told us that his members had been hoping to see an original angle in the route up the greasy pole, but so far it's just been the same boring tearing each other to bits stuff that senior management colleagues do on a daily basis.
"The dirty tricks have been mediocre to say the least", he said. "My members were hoping to see a bit of originality, such as someone coming up with an absurd impractical idea they could use themselves when the top job in their sphere of inexpertise comes up for grabs, but it's been same old, same old so far. In fact it was so dull, I changed channels half way through to watch the final stages of the golf Open for something more exciting.
For me, it isn't just about the candidates, it's about the teams behind them, which can tell you a lot about the candidates. For example the one that organised the photo of Penny Mourdant wearing fake medals might have least have been professional enough to have photoshopped them in the right way round. We'll never be able to get an utter twat we can relate to into No.10 with such sloppy practice as that.
As the battle for who will become the next Prime Minister got under way, researchers have been taking notes on what the individual candidates have been using to pitch their bids, as this may have an impact on the likelihood of continued, or cuts in funding. On discovering that every hopeful MP is entirely bereft of ideas and has been copying each other to the letter with promises of tax cuts, researchers have taken the opportunity to come up with a raft of stories for the MPs to use to assist their campaigns.
One such story is that alcohol is far more harmful to health than previously known; and claims that the mere smell of alcohol is sufficient to stunt the growth of children, shorten the lives of University age adults by up to 80 years and render 30-year old people with severe disabilities to a lifetime on benefits. The only age group that appears to benefit from alcohol is the over 40 one, but with the caveat that they restrict themselves to drinking Phyllosan tonic wine.
Whilst these notions are being eagerly examined by the prospective PM teams, MPs whose constituencies are home to breweries are more sceptical. "It's utter nonsense" said the MP of a red wall town. "I had a one-legged constituent who was struggling after being deemed perfectly fit for work and having his benefits cut, but all he needed was a bit of targeted help and alcohol provided the opportunity to find it. I put him in touch with one of my donors who owns a brewery and who immediately saw the potential in putting him in charge of the hops."
