Jason Statham Kicks Own Arse

Another celebrity guest on Joe Rogan has inadvertently courted mockery when, in a fit of excitement, action star Jason Statham beat himself to a pulp live on air.

He was on the show to promote his latest action movie, "Death Pigeon," when Rogan joked that there was no one tougher than him. A visibly excited Jason responded by saying, "Watch this!" and proceeded to throw chairs on himself and hurl himself down a set of nearby stairs.

A female studio assistant attempted to prevent the violence escalating, but was repelled by the testosterone fumes.

After the brutal self-assault, Statham was left barely conscious and drifting in and out of an American accent.

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Northerners not actually that hard

Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire.

The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You only have to look inside a kettle. After six months it looks like it’s been concreted.'

By contrast, Manchester was classified as 'soft', while large parts of Scotland were found to be so soft that researchers have advised residents not to make eye contact with anyone from Kent.

The findings have caused particular embarrassment in Yorkshire, where generations of men have cultivated a reputation for toughness despite apparently washing in something with roughly the mineral content of Evian. 'We’ve always regarded ourselves as hard,' said one Leeds resident. 'But apparently people in Croydon are substantially harder. I’m struggling to process it.'

'That’s what makes people from Kent so formidable,' said a spokesman. 'Every cup of tea is basically a geological event.'

Newcastle has disputed the methodology, arguing that hardness should be measured by willingness to go out in February without a coat rather than milligrams of calcium carbonate per litre.

The government is now considering replacing the traditional North-South divide with a new national classification system ranging from 'Glasgow: incredibly soft' to 'Margate: fucking granite'.

Image credit: perchance.org

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