After imposing tariffs of 50% on imports of steel, copper and aloominum, Donald Trump has announced generous new federal grants for alchemists.
Alchemists will be able to get grant funding to research how to turn base metal into steel, copper and aloominum. They will also qualify for 200% tax write-offs on all business expenses, including political donations.
The President has imposed tariffs on metal imports in order to boost domestic production, despite the fact that the USA does not have any significant deposits of iron, copper or aloominum. So alchemy could provide a solution. He has told America’s top universities (except Harvard) that all will be forgiven if their research can support domestic metal production.
Social scientists will also be able to access the funding, if their research can find a way of turning base Democrats into Republicans.
