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Lammy and Vance to get BBC travel series


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The BBC has found another two highly under qualified men to present yet another jokey blokey travel show.


Foreign Secretary David Lammy and US Vice President JD Vance will, however, avoid more fishing trips unless they are fishing for drowned refugees in the Channel.


A BBC intern reflexively began apologising 'The BBC are very sorry that - what is it this time - oh, that Nigel Farage is not a semi-permanent guest on this show. Would a third buffoon tip things into top gear?'


'Anyway, look on the bright side. If Lammy and Vance are antiquing in Leicestershire, kite surfing in Dorset or picking up conversational Mandarin at a forced labour camp in Xinjiang, at least we're keeping them away from their day jobs and thus keeping the world a little safer.'


Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Government warns Newsbiscuit contributors to be extra careful if travelling to USA


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It seems that the Yanks are detaining people from countries, which a few months ago it regarded as friends, but who now look at them in a funny way; or they imagine might; then sending them back home in chains, despite import tariffs meaning the cost of chains has gone up by 25%.


The word on the street, is they are likely to be examining social media posting histories from the moment their flight takes off; and anyone found to have posted something that could be construed as less than devoted to the MAGA cause will be met on the airport tarmac by a bunch of thugs and be treated like Hannibal Lecture-Theatre, until such time the Proud Boys and Oaf Keepers have finished with them, before being sent home on Ryanair.


Newsbiscuit sought the advice of Professor M. Odelmaker, who for the price of a pint of Olde and Filthye, told us it is less likely to affect pensioners, who are unlikely to be carrying them new-fangled smartphones, the system will be using to search their posting history on, but if helps to deter the wankers who block his local Waitrose aisles, as they gawp incessantly at them with, it can only be a good thing.




Nicola Sturgeon considers new career as a celebrity

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Having given politics a brief whirl and collected the 'Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt' tee shirt, Nicola Sturgeon is now considering ways of furthering her career as a celebrity. Her preferred choices appear to be between Celebrity Dancing, Celebrity Cooking and being a Celebrity Scot.


The other principal option, hanging out on an island somewhere with a bunch of randy teenage knuckle-heads did not appeal to her - 'Too much sunshine! We Scots can't cope with that!'


She has decided to take some time out before launching into her new career as a Top Gear presenter, driving that motorhome.



H/T sirlupus



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