Odysseus slams today’s travel whingers

“Blimey! A few hours waiting for test results. Maybe having to self isolate for a week when you get home. It took me ten years to get back. And that’s after ten years fighting the Trojan War for flip’s sake!

“Red or amber. Huh. Try sneaking back to your boat under the belly of a sheep. Weather a bit rough? What rowing between the six-headed monster Scylla and the whirlpool Charybdis. Nambies.

“Then you get home and find there’s a load of freeloaders trying to get off with you wife, and you have to slaughter them all. Puts a pile of junk mail into perspective, doesn’t it?

“Mind you, I’ve not flown with Ryanair. I understand that can have its challenges.”

Couple who booked a holiday of a lifetime in Leicester still waiting for refund

Bill and Margaret Evans were really looking forward to their 'once in a lifetime' holiday to Leicester, but were gutted when Leicester was locked down again just as they were planning to catch the bus after a roller-coaster few months of worry. Now their holiday is ruined and there's no sign of a refund in sight.

'We re-mortgaged the house, cut back on Dominos Pizzas and even renegotiated our Sky package to afford the holiday,' said Bill, while acknowledging the Sky deal had 'backfired a little' as he ended up paying £30 a month more. 'But I did get Sky Sports added,' he said.

'We normally make sound decisions - we backed the winning side in the Brexit vote and feel we were instrumental in ensuring the best team possible was in charge for the coronavirus pandemic. This was such an unexpected situation especially as we book this once in a lifetime holiday every year,' he said.

When asked about insurance, Bill shrugged. 'Like I say, we make sound decisions and generally leave that one until the night before - no point spending money on something you'll never need,' he said.

Virgin Galactic bus replacement service 'ready to go'

Virgin Galactic has said a bus replacement service is ready should there be any problems with the flight scheduled to take Virgin representatives and Richard Branson to the edge of space.

'As with the West Coast route, we appreciate that there may be issues on the day ranging from wrong beard in the cabin to the wrong kind of stratosphere,' said a Virgin spokesman today.

Most rocket experts believe the flight will take place regardless, but fully expect the toilet door to remain open for most of the flight.