Kwarteng hoping for more ‘killer nurse’ stories

Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng has everything crossed that the trial of Lucy Letby is a long, sensational one. The case of the paediatric nurse accused of murdering babies has knocked the economy off the front pages of most newspapers, at least for a day.

'Kwasi's hoping for a child trapped down a well, a serial killer or an alien invasion', a spokesman said. 'Obviously, a happy ending would be a bonus – child found safe and well, serial killer sent to prison, aliens only eat poor people, that sort of thing – but he’d take a catastrophe right now, as long as it wasn’t the economy.

'We tried fracking', the spokesman said, 'but couldn't get it going quickly enough to trigger an earthquake. Ooh, do you think Putin might use nukes? That should cover the weekend, at least.'

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Jury in Ryan Giggs case dismissed. Verdict to be decided by VAR

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Epstein's pilot scheduled to die mysteriously

Having named, under oath, high profile sex traffickers, Epstein's pilot has been instructed to update his will and cancel any plans for Xmas. Having outed Clinton, Trump and the Grim Reaper, his days are numbered - and his brakes are definitely tampered with.

Despite being the one cast list not to include James Corden, Epstein's attendees are a who's who of celebrity. Most of whom cannot tell their Isle of Wight from Wrong.

The biggest logistical problem is deciding whether the Queen's or the CIA's assassins should get to him first. The quick turn around means the police only have one week to disconnect all the cameras in his cell and to find a nice, strong piece of rope.

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